Broken

I feel broken right now. Leila left two hours ago and already I am feeling the emptiness is has left in my heart. It will take a while for another hobby/person to fill in this void. I've tried to cope with going back to what I used to do, but video games seem bland and stupid at this very moment compared to bonding with Leila.

Leila is a quiet border collie/german shepherd that is lazy and easy to approach. She craves company as she's still 7 weeks old and is not accustomed to the new environment and the removal from her natural family. Right after any meal it would just yawn and sleep wherever it happened to be. In fact, I was a bit shocked when it grew tired after only 10 minutes of playing since these dogs are meant to be full of energy.

I still remember Friday when she came over. She was whimpering and crying all night - even when she was with our company. As long as we closed the door on her she would cry and howl. That night I kept watch on it all night lest it affected my father from sleeping. It was one of those rare moments where I willingly chose to not sleep for more than 24 hours at a time. Leila would go into her crib, sleep for approximately 30-40 minutes, then pop its head out to check if I was still in the lounge room. She would look at me with those glass eyes and I would shoo her back into her crib. Occasionally it would do its business and I would be cleaning up right after it because my father has a strict hygiene policy.

Saturday it was alot more accustomed to my house and did not whimper unless secluded. However, she started trying to mark its territory around my house and it was a bit annoying to keep an eye on it non stop ( especially with a total of 2 hours sleep). At that moment I felt extremely agitated and frustrated with the dog. I was locked in an ambivilance of loving and hating the dog at the same time. I took it out on a 2 hours walk and tired it out so much all it did was sleep when it got home. At 11pm I accidentally dozed off and I woke up at 5 am to watch after the dog. I saw my mum there in the room with the dog and she said she was up since 1am because the dog was crying again. In the previous 48 hours I have had only 8 hours sleep, however that did not matter because the guilt within me was eating up what strength of will I had left.

Today I walked it again. I really enjoy walking with Leila because its the most evident proof that Leila loves me as well. Due to its extreme dislike of its leash, we risk not using it and it actually follows me wherever I go. Her small size and short legs means that she needs to exert alot more energy to keep up with me walking but it willingly chases up to me. Today I made it suffer a bit by walking even though the dog was clearly exhausted trying to catch up to me. It was whimpering as it ran alongside me and lied on the path whenever it caught up to me to express her weariness. I kept walking nevertheless and she followed. Her loyalty towards me cannot be denied. I got my sister to walk instead of me and it did not follow her, but stayed with me.

Marlo took it back home around 6-30 and I tried really hard to keep my tears inside. I couldn't help myself right after I went back home into the bathroom. Even though I have known Leila for less than a week, I feel like shes already a part of my life. I really miss her right now ; I wouldn't mind not sleeping for another year or so... but alas the dog will eventually grow large and I will be unable to keep it due to my small apartment and lack of backyard. My dad and the dog also clash so it is impossible to keep in the long term either way. However, it was I who told them that I decided to give up on the dog because I know that if I kept it, it will mean everybody sacrifices for my selfishness.

All I have left to remember her are my memories, some photos and a dog bone which I will keep in my room. I really want to hold her right now, and I'm sure that Leila is probably missing me right now.

Duty of Care

We got our new dog today in the hospital. A nurse snuck it in a bag and walked inside the wards and got us to take it out. The dog was quiet although a little restless. Dogs are not allowed in hospitals. As we walked out with it, it suddenly popped its head out, forcing Marlo and I to push its head back into the bag. However, its head and paws were covered with feces, which resulted in us having handfuls of warm slobbery shit. Apparently 'Leila' shat in the bag and wanted a breathe of fresh air.

We power turbo walked out the hospital - at this point it was impossible to hide Leila's head and it was unhygienic for fecal matter to drip from our hands. We would be in serious trouble if the security cameras were able to identify who we are and took action against us. We stopped halfway towards Marlo's car and washed the poo-filled bag with water, and I tried to wipe the immediate fecal matter from our hands and Leila.

We put Leila back into the bag and we put her into the car. The car smelt like dog shit literally. The dog crept out of the wet bag during the ride and I was forced to hold it onto my lap to prevent it from interfering Marlo from driving. My pants were covered with wet fecal matter and Marlo's car probably needs some professional washing right now.

As we traveled on I wiped the dog gently with tissue whilst keeping her from jumping anywhere. It felt like eternity in that car ride... as friends who have driven me in their cars would/should know; I get car sick pretty easily.

I started to worry when the dog got a bit tachycardic and appeared lethargic. We stopped at a park near my place and the dog couldn't even walk straight. It was dizzy from carsickness. Marlo got it home straight after and got home and changed.

I then sat down on my bed and suddenly the reality of it all came crashing down on me. Owning a dog is a great responsibility. This is not like the other pets which I owned. It's not a Tamagotchi, not a Neopet, not a goldfish. This is a living breathing mammal, entrusted to us by its owner. We only took control of it for 1 hour and chaos erupted. I lost my confidence right after - how can i take care of this beautiful dog if I can't even take care of myself?

Yes, I am scared, but can't back down now. I have to fulfill my responsibility and make sure Leila gets the best a dog can get. This may not be as realistic as having a first born child, but at least now I am able to appreciate the pressure and the responsibility that one goes through when becoming a caretaker.

Dreams Come True

It's really hard to forecast or predict events that may occur to you. Yesterday I was wishing that I did not have clinicals or having to wake up early, yet today have been full of pleasant suprises. I had rotated to another ward dealing with people with mental problems and so far the patients and the staff are friendly and outgoing.

Time past unexpectedly fast today, even though it was a bit dull in the ward. During the lunch break Marlo and I went to the staff kitchen ( I've been entrusted with the mechanical keys) and we happened to pass a sign offering free puppies. We instantly decided that we will own one and immediately rang the owner of the border collies. I will be looking after it on weekends while Marlo will look after the weekdays.

I can't wait to own a pet dog! It's been my childhood dream to get one ever since I had to move out of my Aunt's place. Due to my destiny as a nurse, I have been given the opportunity to own a collie! I understand that it will eventually grow too large for my unit, but I will be keeping it at my house while it is still puppy size. My parents surprisingly did not mind it... maybe it is because they know that this means alot to me.

We are picking it up on Thursday and quite frankly I can't wait! I love nursing... especially mental health nursing. This has been the most positive career move I have ever made.

Mental Health

Final exams are finished and I am working in the mental wards at Liverpool hospital. I feel that it is very different from regular acute nursing due to the different pace. I find mental wards a lot more relaxing and fun; in fact I am considering specializing in the mental health field.

It's actually very hard for people to understand mental people. I still do not, however I feel that I understand alot more already. There is often a stigma attached to people with illness problems - whether they are a danger to society, whether they are aggressive, or have limited capacity to make decisions. Truth is, they are just like us, they all have their own story to tell and we are in no position to judge anybody else. Calling anybody a retard or a spastic (even as a joke) is very unacceptable.

Because I am more of a listener rather than a talker, I really feel that mental health nursing is my kind of thing now. However I need to work on how to defuse chaotic situations and improve on my communication abilities.

Euphoric

Last week we had a clinical exam for some nursing skills. We had to pass a minimum of 2/4 to qualify for a resit and I was lucky enough to do that. I don't blame my poor performance on anything or anybody but myself because I had made a wrong calculation which may have killed a patient in reality.

Yesterday I had my resit and I did really well- even the marker praised me for my vigilance in getting everything perfect. Passing this meant a lot to me because unsatisfactory performance would mean automatically failing the whole course (13 weeks and an essay wasted).

As soon as she told me I passed I was pretty euphoric. I was really scared and nervous and I could not truly study at all because this thing was on the back of my mind all along. Now that this is over and done with, it feels like a heavy burden has been taken off my chest and my concentration is back.

I felt really sorry for those who did not pass it the first and second time. It must be really hard on them right now, especially with 3 more subjects to study for and the fresh reminder of failure could be seen as a bad omen for the up coming tests.

Right after my clinical I held a meeting for a revision session with 3 other peers. We brushed over many things to see what we understood and what we did not and I found it extremely helpful. Although they thanked me for guiding them, I felt it was Jeremy who deserved the credit because he obviously prepared the answers for us to take home and read. All I did was explain the parts which they did not understand.

I have 4 full days to make study hard for the exams. Monday, Wednesday , Thursday and Friday. My girlfriend returns on Tuesday so I will try to pick her up from the airport.