Broken

I feel broken right now. Leila left two hours ago and already I am feeling the emptiness is has left in my heart. It will take a while for another hobby/person to fill in this void. I've tried to cope with going back to what I used to do, but video games seem bland and stupid at this very moment compared to bonding with Leila.

Leila is a quiet border collie/german shepherd that is lazy and easy to approach. She craves company as she's still 7 weeks old and is not accustomed to the new environment and the removal from her natural family. Right after any meal it would just yawn and sleep wherever it happened to be. In fact, I was a bit shocked when it grew tired after only 10 minutes of playing since these dogs are meant to be full of energy.

I still remember Friday when she came over. She was whimpering and crying all night - even when she was with our company. As long as we closed the door on her she would cry and howl. That night I kept watch on it all night lest it affected my father from sleeping. It was one of those rare moments where I willingly chose to not sleep for more than 24 hours at a time. Leila would go into her crib, sleep for approximately 30-40 minutes, then pop its head out to check if I was still in the lounge room. She would look at me with those glass eyes and I would shoo her back into her crib. Occasionally it would do its business and I would be cleaning up right after it because my father has a strict hygiene policy.

Saturday it was alot more accustomed to my house and did not whimper unless secluded. However, she started trying to mark its territory around my house and it was a bit annoying to keep an eye on it non stop ( especially with a total of 2 hours sleep). At that moment I felt extremely agitated and frustrated with the dog. I was locked in an ambivilance of loving and hating the dog at the same time. I took it out on a 2 hours walk and tired it out so much all it did was sleep when it got home. At 11pm I accidentally dozed off and I woke up at 5 am to watch after the dog. I saw my mum there in the room with the dog and she said she was up since 1am because the dog was crying again. In the previous 48 hours I have had only 8 hours sleep, however that did not matter because the guilt within me was eating up what strength of will I had left.

Today I walked it again. I really enjoy walking with Leila because its the most evident proof that Leila loves me as well. Due to its extreme dislike of its leash, we risk not using it and it actually follows me wherever I go. Her small size and short legs means that she needs to exert alot more energy to keep up with me walking but it willingly chases up to me. Today I made it suffer a bit by walking even though the dog was clearly exhausted trying to catch up to me. It was whimpering as it ran alongside me and lied on the path whenever it caught up to me to express her weariness. I kept walking nevertheless and she followed. Her loyalty towards me cannot be denied. I got my sister to walk instead of me and it did not follow her, but stayed with me.

Marlo took it back home around 6-30 and I tried really hard to keep my tears inside. I couldn't help myself right after I went back home into the bathroom. Even though I have known Leila for less than a week, I feel like shes already a part of my life. I really miss her right now ; I wouldn't mind not sleeping for another year or so... but alas the dog will eventually grow large and I will be unable to keep it due to my small apartment and lack of backyard. My dad and the dog also clash so it is impossible to keep in the long term either way. However, it was I who told them that I decided to give up on the dog because I know that if I kept it, it will mean everybody sacrifices for my selfishness.

All I have left to remember her are my memories, some photos and a dog bone which I will keep in my room. I really want to hold her right now, and I'm sure that Leila is probably missing me right now.