Mockery

As I was waiting for the train today, one of my old friends walked past me with a girlfriend in his arms. Neither of us said anything as he continued onto his way. As we exchanged glances, it reminded me of who/what I used to be.

It is not a well kept secret that I used to be popular with females. I have had dozens of relationships in my life, I could easily bet on which girl I could achieve in a set amount of time and achieve it with ease. I belonged in the "cool" group, and it wasnt hard for any of us to get a girlfriend.

This man I saw today is still switching his girlfriends like clothing. He was happy and he seemed to have no worries in the world. Dressed smart casually and his hair all gelled up, he was probably going to sleep over at the girl's place tonight. While comparatively he does not have a stable job or a reliable income, he was happy and he could still achieve whatever he wanted.
I was leaning on the rails wearing hospital scrubs, my hair blown to oblivion by the chilly night winds and my face drained of energy from the workload. My partner is still overseas and my popularity has dropped due to the sacrifice of my social life for this occupation.

It felt like I was being mocked as he walked past me tonight. What is making me rant is not the fact he has many girls to play with, but why he is happier than I am. Let my sum up how I stand now:

ME
-Stable Girlfriend; check.
-Reliable Job; check.
-Close friends; check
-Happy Family; check
-Expendible Income; check.
-Respect from community; check.

But why? I have chosen this road myself. I have rejected countless girls these few years. I can now support my family and have started building my own future. I have attained many responsibilities that I should be proud of. However evrything that I have achieved in these 5 years seemed irrelevant the second I saw his carefree face. Where have I gone wrong?

Update

It has been a hectic week. I was put on acute the night before for the first time. FOr some reason the shift was filled with heaps of agency or casual staff who were not familiar with the ward. So basically only 4 regular staff were there including me. That night all the patients were manic, and they were feeding off each other's energy and getting aggressive. So there I was, standing behind a glass window with 3 angry patients on the other side threatning to smash me and throwing all sorts of profanities at me. My help was another nurse who decided he wanted to help do the paperwork for admissions and another casual EN who was scared out of her wits. Somehow, I managed to handle the situation well, dividing and conquering each of them and they eventually settled, despite me having to dispense alot of PRN to help with the settling. I even managed to use de-escalation skills on this patient who was so riled over not being woken up for his dinner. He was literally screaming and punching the glass window, pacing around and ready to assault anyone that gets near him. I managed to talk him down and the conversation ended up in him offering handshake. The EN who was there congratulated me and praised how well I handled it afterwards. To be fair, I was equally scared as he was very unpredictable and perhaps me talking to him on a equal level may have been a safety risk for myself.

Anyhow, my side settled and I saw the subacute side suffering, as they only had 2 staff to dispense medications and care for the whole ward. One of those 2 nurses was in charge that night, and she practically had her hands full from phone calls from external departments. So I offered to help dispense medications and I helepd with the bed transfers. At the end of shift, they also openly praised me, sayng that it was me alone who guaranteed the smooth running of the shift, and that I had survived the worst of the worst spectacularly, and now I am able to face anyhting that comes my way. Of course, I felt really really great about this huge influx of praise, but I beleive perhaps I over exerted myself that night. I had used every single resource my body had to offer to make it through that stressful night.

Today at work, there was even more praise suprisingly. I was told by the other staff that one of the consultants had given me praise; saying that I've been doing a great job at Pecc being in charge as I was able to hold off patients. This has become a grapevine message and it really made me feel honored that the doctor himself took notice of my efforts. IN addition, the nurses this shift were asking me whether I would stay with them after my newgrad program was over. They said they really liked me and wanted me to stay there with them! I have made my presence felt in the ward it appears, and I feel really great about it... however I have gotten sick this week.

I believe it is because I have been putting so much effort into my work that I have fallen sick lately. I feel drowsy alot lately and I have intermittent headaches. I think perhaps a flu is coming my way. Luckily I signed up for the free flu vaccine thats coming up.

In addition, I have just requested to take 1 week of annual leave for my girlfriends short return back here. I already have got the head manager's thumbs up. I just need to get approvalfrom the staffing officer now.........

Thanks Jacky.

I have been working at the hospital for nearly 3 months now. I have kind of learnt which people could be trusted and which to be wary of. In addition I have also gained many clinical skills to being a successful psychiatric nurse. I have been fortunate to be entrusted with night duties and being the in-charge role of the Psychiatric Emergency Care Centre many a time. Sometimes I feel that this kind of responsibility is abit too much for a newgraduate, however it only aids me in learning faster and it only shows that I have gained the trust of the team to manage a whole unit.

Today I recieved the gratitude of a patient. Nurses often get thanked for their work, however unlike regular nurses, psychiatric nurses often do not get this luxury. This patient however, was to be transferred today. He came up to me and shook my hand and said to me "I am still very sick Jacky, but I want to thank you so much for taking care of me. You are a very good nurse and you are doing a very good job."

As I waved goodbye to him, it had occured to me that I am in this role to help people, and that is the most rewarding part of what I do. While I may not get appreciation from most of the people I look after, I am very proud of what I am doing and I am 100% satisfied with my contribution to society.

Answers That Matter

I had my graduation ceremony yesterday. While I hate to admit this, I am kind of glad I went. I am glad mainly because I was able to see my friends again, and it made me realise I was never alone throughout the journey to becoming a nurse, and more importantly; my journey to maturity.

During these two years, I have made some really tight bonds with my friends. I've become so close to them that, ironically I am a little scared. I once had invested my hopes and faith in classmates in the past; and I still do not regret it, as I had the best time of my life with them. I was able to exert my childishness and my real self without any fear of repercussions. However, time has passed and I have lost contact with these old friends. Perhaps it was I who made the choice, as I felt I really needed to progress forward with my life and start supporting my family instead of selfishly satisfy my lust for fun. It took me alot of hardship to separate myself from those old classmates but I did it with the support of other extrinsic factors.

I am now faced with a similar matter. I have new friends now who I have developed close bonds with. However the situation is alot different, as I am working now and the things we play with now are alot more productive and more socially acceptible. Should I continue these close bonds and risk having to lose them again or should I distance myself from the inevitable breakup in the friendship?