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I have been working for abit more than one month now. I can safely say that I am pretty much guaranteed a permanent job at this palce unless I screw up majorly in an unforgiveable way. Anyhow, life has been pretty hectic on the ward. It's been very busy and I have learnt alot in the politics and way the workplace functions. Personally, coming from a mangement background I kinda love these backstage power struggles. Anywho...

Something which has been concerning me lately is finding my true ambitions for working here. Am I here for the monetary prospects or am I genuinely here to provide service to the community? Of course, I need income to live so I cannot work for free, but is the prospect of being paid with money replacing/overtaking my desire to help others? Can I eliminate the business background from my past?

After finally entering the adult world, I have to say the power of money can warp people and their ideologies on how the world operates.

After skimming through what I just typed, it appears I cannot make sense of it. I have been sleep deprived for a while now. Perhaps when I read back this will be a good laugh.

Sandcastles

Tonight I had a conversation with Sylvia through Skype. Apparently she bought a pet seahorse and a pet starfish 3 days ago. She was so enthusiastic about her new pet she bought all sorts of pretty decorations and a nice fishtank for them. She told me it was her new heart and blood. She sent me some pics of the pets and then she went to take a shower. Approximately half an hour later she called me and told me her pet seahorse had died. She was crying, shocked by the sudden death of her new pet. Apparently she had not known that water needed to be 1 week old before putting the new pets in.

This may sound very trivial, but for some reason when I heard her cry, I felt crushed. This powerful sinking sensation just flowed through my heart. It was like seeing a child spend all day at the beach building a sandcastle but watch it being swept away by the tide. Suddenly, it reminded me of how much I love her and how much she meant to me. I've morning shift tomorrow but I cannot sleep because she is just on my mind, that sad voice echoing through my skull.

Success!!!

I love working as a Psychiatric Nurse. I think I have found the one job I can stick to.

It's Funny

After returning from Hong Kong and starting work, I have realised that my connections with my pre-existing social networks has reduced by alot. This is due to my busy work schedule, and when I am off I really need the day to recuperate. I used to be afraid to start working, one of the main reasons being that I do not want to lose the very close bonds between my friends. Now it seems that I am the one putting off meetings/events with friends. I can't really think of a solution to solve this issue. Time management is something I was always good at, but it seems that I am too emotionally drained to even enjoy the time I spend with my friends when I do find time.

Yesterday my friends had been waiting from 8 to 10pm outside my workplace just so they could meet up with me for 1-2 hours. I feel touched and ashamed; ashamed that my friends had to exert this much effort and energy just to see me ( it just so happened my mobile phone ran outta batteries). These are the same people who have supported me throughout the last 2 years and as soon as I started working suddenly there's this huge rift between us.

One of the friends sms'd me to tell me how she was really scared - scared that one day we will all eventually lose this intimate bond with one another. I am scared too, but I feel powerless to stop this. I still want to live a life.