Turmoil

I try to put on a mask everyday in order to stop others from worrying about me. Behind these smiles and laughter is a place deep in my soul which has been plagued with worry for the past few months.

I am near graduation and naturally I am worried about the direction my future is heading. Will I get a job in nursing? Will I even enjoy nursing as a long term profession? Will I be able to support myself and my family with this profession?
I am young (relatively) and this youth is very much associated with lack of experience. Will I be able to adapt to entering the workforce? Can I cope with the responsibilities of being a health care worker and performing my family role?

I am grateful for the strong support that my friends and family have given me. In these two years, I have opened my eyes to things that many people will not be able to learn or experience in decades of studying or working. This is particularly true in my social experiences.

However perhaps the biggest worry in my life right now is my girlfriend leaving me. There is only a few more days I can spend with her until she leaves for Hong Kong to help her father work. But I must also commit to university and work, especially with the exams coming up in two weeks. How can I adapt to the huge gap left behind when Sylvia leaves? This is supposed to be the time where I need her the most, but without her I just feel that nothing will turn out right and that my world will crumble the minute she leaves. Some of my older 'friends' may assume that I will just find another girl within weeks and replace her, but these people are those who are blind to the pain that I truly suffer.

However am I selfish enough to impinge all these responsibilities onto her? I also must do what is best for her - and that is for her to help her family business. Sure- I can easily marry her and live a financially supported life; but that is not the path I want to take. I will find a way to support her and my family with my own efforts. As of now the independent and confident Jacky is gone and all that is left behind is just a smiling mask longing for Ar Buu's return.

Despite the efforts of my friends to help me ease the pain, the problem lies in myself and nothing can help alleviate these issues unless I overcome them myself. My friends have planned to visit me when I'm on my trip to Hong Kong later this year and also have planned a road trip to Melbourne to help take things off my mind which I am very grateful for, however this is a personal challenge which will take me many, many years to overcome.