Pledge

Assessments and other university responsibilities have been bogging me down alot there few weeks. I don't know why but when I lied down on my bed trying to rest my thoughts, my mind reflected on the happenings that have occurred in the past few years. I saw my ups and my downs, and in all these ups and downs were many people around me; some who I am still in close contact with, and some who have gone different paths. Suddenly it dawned on me:

I am a very selfish and insecure person. This really shows when I find myself trying to control certain situations and manipulate it so that I have it my way and disregarding everybody else's.

Let's start with friends. I am really selective with friends. I can be very very close to them in one period of time, then act like strangers in another period of time. I am very strange, I don't know why I do this. I tend to feel superior to those who treat me well, but I try to please those who treat me like dirt. I often try to find heated debates to argue with my friends and try to push my own ideologies ( be it educated or not) onto my friends so that I could feel a bit high. I have double standards. I expect others to help me, but when others try to get my help I find them a burden. I judge people too easily; I tend to look down on people who behave in a manner I do not like. While at the same time, I don't care how others judge me.

However, I make friends pretty easily. Perhaps I am a good listener or perhaps my friends are very nice. Whatever it is though, I am very grateful towards them. To those that have given up on me I do not blame them, because it is I who is wrong.

Perhaps the previous chapters of my life were so glorious that I forgot my story still has far to go. Success and undeserved praises has corrupted my mind with thoughts of superiority and narcissism. I think I am finally waking up that perhaps I have developed a monstrous ego and I need to stop myself from exacerbating it any more.

So as I am typing this with tears of guilt trailing down my cheeks, I will make a pledge to myself to become a better person. I have no need to please those who do not appreciate me, the ones I should please are those around me, those who confide in me, those who love me.