Assessments and other university responsibilities have been bogging me down alot there few weeks. I don't know why but when I lied down on my bed trying to rest my thoughts, my mind reflected on the happenings that have occurred in the past few years. I saw my ups and my downs, and in all these ups and downs were many people around me; some who I am still in close contact with, and some who have gone different paths. Suddenly it dawned on me:
I am a very selfish and insecure person. This really shows when I find myself trying to control certain situations and manipulate it so that I have it my way and disregarding everybody else's.
Let's start with friends. I am really selective with friends. I can be very very close to them in one period of time, then act like strangers in another period of time. I am very strange, I don't know why I do this. I tend to feel superior to those who treat me well, but I try to please those who treat me like dirt. I often try to find heated debates to argue with my friends and try to push my own ideologies ( be it educated or not) onto my friends so that I could feel a bit high. I have double standards. I expect others to help me, but when others try to get my help I find them a burden. I judge people too easily; I tend to look down on people who behave in a manner I do not like. While at the same time, I don't care how others judge me.
However, I make friends pretty easily. Perhaps I am a good listener or perhaps my friends are very nice. Whatever it is though, I am very grateful towards them. To those that have given up on me I do not blame them, because it is I who is wrong.
Perhaps the previous chapters of my life were so glorious that I forgot my story still has far to go. Success and undeserved praises has corrupted my mind with thoughts of superiority and narcissism. I think I am finally waking up that perhaps I have developed a monstrous ego and I need to stop myself from exacerbating it any more.
So as I am typing this with tears of guilt trailing down my cheeks, I will make a pledge to myself to become a better person. I have no need to please those who do not appreciate me, the ones I should please are those around me, those who confide in me, those who love me.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Friday, April 25, 2008
Student Life
Essays, Essays, clinical placements and even more essays. That's what we have been through ever since I have enrolled. My social life is really at risk at the moment. This week alone I had to postpone a few friends from meeting up, and had two people asking me why I am being snobby to them.
It's so stressful that I don't even play video games anymore, I've taken on painting models to relieve myself from stress because video games can get competitive at times. Unlike all the other students who have 13 weeks in a semester, we have 21 weeks in a semester. Usually this is not really possible, but since this is an advanced course, nothing can be impossible. We start university 3 weeks earlier than everyone else and we end 3 weeks after everybody else. This means the holiday break that most university students take for granted do not apply to us.
The last week I went to POW for my maternity placement. It was very boring since I could not do much there. I got to see a lot of women breasts, but when you are see hundred's of them in a few weeks, breasts just do not appeal anymore. But I guess its still a bragging right that I have seen breasts and vaginas of women from 8-90, from all nationalities and of all sizes. Of course, I have seen my fair share of penises too. Ah well... it isn't a big deal to me anymore.
It could be the biomedical model of thinking thats getting to me, since the uni has been cramming so much of these theories into us. I hope I will never start seeing patients as a disease rather than human though.
It's so stressful that I don't even play video games anymore, I've taken on painting models to relieve myself from stress because video games can get competitive at times. Unlike all the other students who have 13 weeks in a semester, we have 21 weeks in a semester. Usually this is not really possible, but since this is an advanced course, nothing can be impossible. We start university 3 weeks earlier than everyone else and we end 3 weeks after everybody else. This means the holiday break that most university students take for granted do not apply to us.
The last week I went to POW for my maternity placement. It was very boring since I could not do much there. I got to see a lot of women breasts, but when you are see hundred's of them in a few weeks, breasts just do not appeal anymore. But I guess its still a bragging right that I have seen breasts and vaginas of women from 8-90, from all nationalities and of all sizes. Of course, I have seen my fair share of penises too. Ah well... it isn't a big deal to me anymore.
It could be the biomedical model of thinking thats getting to me, since the uni has been cramming so much of these theories into us. I hope I will never start seeing patients as a disease rather than human though.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Deeds Not Words
As my university was ill prepared to send us to community placements near our homes, I had to go around the public schools in my area to volunteer or risk being stuck in Bankstown community service placements. The first public school rejected me outright, the Beverly Hills Public principal not even wanting to see me. The second public school I went to was Narwee Public. The principal saw me and I felt very intimidated when she asked me questions about my placement and why I chose that school instead of others. After a second meeting she accepted me and I felt relieved that I did not need to travel to Bankstown every morning.
The first 2 days I was with the Kindergartens. I saw purity and innocence not found in adulthood, and they accepted me as one of them the first day I got there. By the end of the first day I had them all screaming "zacky zacky!" for my attention. In particular was a kid who always came up to say hi to me with a smile and hold my hand, asking me if I was his friend.
Two other days were spent with years 3/4. I saw the development of guilt, embarrassment and unfortunately, the loss of innocence. Rebellious students were present in each classroom, students tried to use me to get answers, and I was not as readily accepted in the classroom until I proved myself useful. I was abit amazed at the politics that the children go through in the classrooms.
The last day was with year5/6. I did not really enjoy it as much as the other days as the children had developed a mature mind and I cannot sense any of that innocence left in them. They became egocentric and cocky to colleagues and teachers.
I have found alot of respect for Narwee Public after my week of observations. The children would randomly come up to me and introduce themselves, and the teachers are friendly and do a good job at what they do. The school facilities are plentiful and there is a lot of services for special children.
In hindsight it really reflected upon my own growth as well. I had also been a very innocent person up until year 7. From K-6 I was the top of my class, however somehow failing to reach selective school. From year 8 onwards I became rebellious and I lost all my innocence to become a part of the 'cool bunch'. It wasn't until after year 12 that I had woken up that I was not 'cool' at all.
The surroundings that we are put in really molds what type of people we become. If I am put into the hospital surrounded by suffering and death, will I develop a grim personality?
The first 2 days I was with the Kindergartens. I saw purity and innocence not found in adulthood, and they accepted me as one of them the first day I got there. By the end of the first day I had them all screaming "zacky zacky!" for my attention. In particular was a kid who always came up to say hi to me with a smile and hold my hand, asking me if I was his friend.
Two other days were spent with years 3/4. I saw the development of guilt, embarrassment and unfortunately, the loss of innocence. Rebellious students were present in each classroom, students tried to use me to get answers, and I was not as readily accepted in the classroom until I proved myself useful. I was abit amazed at the politics that the children go through in the classrooms.
The last day was with year5/6. I did not really enjoy it as much as the other days as the children had developed a mature mind and I cannot sense any of that innocence left in them. They became egocentric and cocky to colleagues and teachers.
I have found alot of respect for Narwee Public after my week of observations. The children would randomly come up to me and introduce themselves, and the teachers are friendly and do a good job at what they do. The school facilities are plentiful and there is a lot of services for special children.
In hindsight it really reflected upon my own growth as well. I had also been a very innocent person up until year 7. From K-6 I was the top of my class, however somehow failing to reach selective school. From year 8 onwards I became rebellious and I lost all my innocence to become a part of the 'cool bunch'. It wasn't until after year 12 that I had woken up that I was not 'cool' at all.
The surroundings that we are put in really molds what type of people we become. If I am put into the hospital surrounded by suffering and death, will I develop a grim personality?
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
The Fool
He was a smart individual when young. He excelled in all fields, however something went wrong in his pre-teen years and he prioritized himself before anybody else.
He had no self esteem and his life was filled with mistrust and insecurity. Former friends eventually distanced themselves from him. He had grown up prioritizing money, alienating himself from the bonds he previously had.
Now he cheers himself up by counting the amassed assets he owns. He does not spend the money but holds onto them like his treasures. He barely clings on to society by faking smiles and his life in order to fit in. However he is content, and will remain content until his unattended funeral.
P.S Luckily I do not fit into the story above..but whenever I read it it will always remind me of someone I know. Also I did not get the bitch whore facilitator. This week has been all baby handling.... imagine me feeding babies, burping them, diaper changing and carrying them around!! ( I still don't like children though)
He had no self esteem and his life was filled with mistrust and insecurity. Former friends eventually distanced themselves from him. He had grown up prioritizing money, alienating himself from the bonds he previously had.
Now he cheers himself up by counting the amassed assets he owns. He does not spend the money but holds onto them like his treasures. He barely clings on to society by faking smiles and his life in order to fit in. However he is content, and will remain content until his unattended funeral.
P.S Luckily I do not fit into the story above..but whenever I read it it will always remind me of someone I know. Also I did not get the bitch whore facilitator. This week has been all baby handling.... imagine me feeding babies, burping them, diaper changing and carrying them around!! ( I still don't like children though)
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