Gone

I am currently missing out on my tutorial as I am typing this. I don't know what has got into me for me to skip this class.

In fact an hour ago I was heading to university on the train (even though I'll be approximately 20 minutes late). On the way there I rang my friends to take notes for me while I get there; only to find out that he did not plan to go. That crushed my will to go university today. So I did a quick U-turn and got off at whatever station I was at.

I got off the train and I realized it was one of the dumbest mistakes I've made all week. I was stuck at Turrella with a bunch of ethnic boys who were ushered out of a train. They were swearing and having their own mini riot outside the station. I was alone and scared. The next train back to my place was due in 8 minutes and I was the only person in the station other than them. My sense of security was shattered and for the first time in many many years, I felt intimidated. When the train eventually came I rushed onto it. Luckily there were no ticket checkers today because I had not bought a return ticket. Well, I couldn't really buy one since the thugs were sitting near the ticket venders smashing at signs and windows.

So here I am, trying to reflect on what the hell has happened to me. I used to love university. I craved learning new things, especially if I knew nothing of the topic previously. Somehow, sometime between last semester and this semester USYD has managed to beat that enjoyment out of me. Every time I go to university now a little bit inside me dies.

A friend and I were joking that this is more a strength of will than anything. Those who are able to pass this semester are the ones with mental endurance. I laughed and told her that even if we can make it through this one, the next semester will only get harder.

I really need to get my act together. I have never failed in my life and I do not plan to start now. But somehow all the fight in me is gone. I can't sleep because I worry about my studies, but I can't study because I lack sleep. I think I may be entering a period of depression led by acute stress.

I would really appreciate it if people do not lay their burdens on me in my personal time of weakness. But can an aspiring nurse say that? For they are the pillar of hope to those who are reliant on the care of nurses.