Thinking back I have decided that I have been a bit of a pussy lately. I have been so self indulged in my troubles and worries that I have isolated myself from the rest of this world.
Everybody has their own problems to which they must overcome by themselves. The only thing I can do now is try my best to get past this stage move forward, instead of steadily drowning in my sea of sorrows.
Praying and wishing for miracles is not something I do. It's better to take initiative and make the changes yourself.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Friday, September 14, 2007
Gone
I am currently missing out on my tutorial as I am typing this. I don't know what has got into me for me to skip this class.
In fact an hour ago I was heading to university on the train (even though I'll be approximately 20 minutes late). On the way there I rang my friends to take notes for me while I get there; only to find out that he did not plan to go. That crushed my will to go university today. So I did a quick U-turn and got off at whatever station I was at.
I got off the train and I realized it was one of the dumbest mistakes I've made all week. I was stuck at Turrella with a bunch of ethnic boys who were ushered out of a train. They were swearing and having their own mini riot outside the station. I was alone and scared. The next train back to my place was due in 8 minutes and I was the only person in the station other than them. My sense of security was shattered and for the first time in many many years, I felt intimidated. When the train eventually came I rushed onto it. Luckily there were no ticket checkers today because I had not bought a return ticket. Well, I couldn't really buy one since the thugs were sitting near the ticket venders smashing at signs and windows.
So here I am, trying to reflect on what the hell has happened to me. I used to love university. I craved learning new things, especially if I knew nothing of the topic previously. Somehow, sometime between last semester and this semester USYD has managed to beat that enjoyment out of me. Every time I go to university now a little bit inside me dies.
A friend and I were joking that this is more a strength of will than anything. Those who are able to pass this semester are the ones with mental endurance. I laughed and told her that even if we can make it through this one, the next semester will only get harder.
I really need to get my act together. I have never failed in my life and I do not plan to start now. But somehow all the fight in me is gone. I can't sleep because I worry about my studies, but I can't study because I lack sleep. I think I may be entering a period of depression led by acute stress.
I would really appreciate it if people do not lay their burdens on me in my personal time of weakness. But can an aspiring nurse say that? For they are the pillar of hope to those who are reliant on the care of nurses.
In fact an hour ago I was heading to university on the train (even though I'll be approximately 20 minutes late). On the way there I rang my friends to take notes for me while I get there; only to find out that he did not plan to go. That crushed my will to go university today. So I did a quick U-turn and got off at whatever station I was at.
I got off the train and I realized it was one of the dumbest mistakes I've made all week. I was stuck at Turrella with a bunch of ethnic boys who were ushered out of a train. They were swearing and having their own mini riot outside the station. I was alone and scared. The next train back to my place was due in 8 minutes and I was the only person in the station other than them. My sense of security was shattered and for the first time in many many years, I felt intimidated. When the train eventually came I rushed onto it. Luckily there were no ticket checkers today because I had not bought a return ticket. Well, I couldn't really buy one since the thugs were sitting near the ticket venders smashing at signs and windows.
So here I am, trying to reflect on what the hell has happened to me. I used to love university. I craved learning new things, especially if I knew nothing of the topic previously. Somehow, sometime between last semester and this semester USYD has managed to beat that enjoyment out of me. Every time I go to university now a little bit inside me dies.
A friend and I were joking that this is more a strength of will than anything. Those who are able to pass this semester are the ones with mental endurance. I laughed and told her that even if we can make it through this one, the next semester will only get harder.
I really need to get my act together. I have never failed in my life and I do not plan to start now. But somehow all the fight in me is gone. I can't sleep because I worry about my studies, but I can't study because I lack sleep. I think I may be entering a period of depression led by acute stress.
I would really appreciate it if people do not lay their burdens on me in my personal time of weakness. But can an aspiring nurse say that? For they are the pillar of hope to those who are reliant on the care of nurses.
Saturday, September 8, 2007
Academic Spotlight
Lately I have been exposed to a lot of unwanted stress. For some reason most of my colleagues see me as smarter than they are and come to me for all sorts of medical advice. All of a sudden everybody seems to know me and enjoy talking to me about academic subjects and what my study methods are.
For example last month we had a campus BBQ and I decided to sit with a bunch of middle aged ladies to catch up. As soon as I sat with them they put me on the spot. They bombarded me with how I study, how to answer the next exam question, and whether I can give them any hints for the finals without giving any thought of asking me how I have been since I have chatted to them! Apparently I've become a walking source of information.
I feel like some public tool to which everybody turns to. On week ago I rang a friend to see how she was doing and she went straight into university work. No discussions or anything of the like.
Two days ago my friends and I were mucking around in the library and this man I hardly know came up to me and begged me to check his work. I did not turn him down because there were heaps of people watching but seriously I felt a bit annoyed.
Previously I was able to log on to MSN and have casual chats with my friends. Since this semester I usually get greeted with panicky girls asking me academic questions and telling me how smart I am. It seems that I have transformed into the fountain of knowledge, or the shaman of knowhow.
The message here is not that I am too good for my friends or that I am superior to them academically, but that all this is giving my unnecessary pressure. In fact, as a reader you probably think I am the sucker by "falling" for their bait and doing work for them. But no, I am doing it out of kindness and because I don't want to see my fellow friends fail just because I did not help them.
In fact, I am not that smart. Heck, there are heaps more better students than I am; and experience wise I am lackluster.
When I get put into this kind of position there is an expectation, or an ego that is placed upon my shoulders. I tell friends I don't understand parts too, but they ask for my opinion anyway. If they do badly with my advice I think fingers will start pointing. But if I don't help then words will start spreading.
I don't need this extra pressure. I am already feeling burnt out by this course. We have no had rest since it has started and quite frankly, I'm starting not to care anymore.
P.S Thanks Rianne for checking my work. you have been the only person to have helped me academically lately.
For example last month we had a campus BBQ and I decided to sit with a bunch of middle aged ladies to catch up. As soon as I sat with them they put me on the spot. They bombarded me with how I study, how to answer the next exam question, and whether I can give them any hints for the finals without giving any thought of asking me how I have been since I have chatted to them! Apparently I've become a walking source of information.
I feel like some public tool to which everybody turns to. On week ago I rang a friend to see how she was doing and she went straight into university work. No discussions or anything of the like.
Two days ago my friends and I were mucking around in the library and this man I hardly know came up to me and begged me to check his work. I did not turn him down because there were heaps of people watching but seriously I felt a bit annoyed.
Previously I was able to log on to MSN and have casual chats with my friends. Since this semester I usually get greeted with panicky girls asking me academic questions and telling me how smart I am. It seems that I have transformed into the fountain of knowledge, or the shaman of knowhow.
The message here is not that I am too good for my friends or that I am superior to them academically, but that all this is giving my unnecessary pressure. In fact, as a reader you probably think I am the sucker by "falling" for their bait and doing work for them. But no, I am doing it out of kindness and because I don't want to see my fellow friends fail just because I did not help them.
In fact, I am not that smart. Heck, there are heaps more better students than I am; and experience wise I am lackluster.
When I get put into this kind of position there is an expectation, or an ego that is placed upon my shoulders. I tell friends I don't understand parts too, but they ask for my opinion anyway. If they do badly with my advice I think fingers will start pointing. But if I don't help then words will start spreading.
I don't need this extra pressure. I am already feeling burnt out by this course. We have no had rest since it has started and quite frankly, I'm starting not to care anymore.
P.S Thanks Rianne for checking my work. you have been the only person to have helped me academically lately.
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