Pertinacious Pokey ®

Meeting the Parents

2010-09-16T22:14:00.002+09:30

I just returned from Hong Kong after a 1 week rushed holiday.

Before i forget I better jot down everything that had taken place .

Day #1 Thursday- I was driven to airport by dad in the morning and arrived in Hong Kong at 6pm. I didn't think of calling Sylvia yet as I thought that she wouldn't finish work that early anyway. However I was wrong and she had to come to my Aunties place pretty late. We ate midnight supper downstairs and I told her to go home first as it was getting late and she had work tomorrow. Recieved first kiss of the year. No awkwardness... alot of old memories for me. She caught the taxi home.

Day #2 Friday - I went to buy some shoes and clothing with my auntie in the morning before I checked in to the Hotel at Mong Kok. Never again will I use that hotel again, as it was a camp for mainlanders and the walls were so thin that you could hear the sex from next door. It was pretty hardcore too I can tell you. Sylvia arrived right after work at around 8-9ish and we walked around Mong kok. We decided to try the wonton noodle shop downstairs of the hotel because it was pretty famous... however it both felt it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. I gave her a short massage session. We planned to go to Lantau Island in the weekend.

Day #3 Saturday - Lantau Island did not happen as it was pouring the next 2 days. Sylvia had a early shift for work and she was expected to finish at 12ish. As it was raining and we only had one umbrella I couldn't walk her to the MTR. We had breakfast downstairs and she went off to work. I stayed in the hotel playing NDS till she returned. We met up at the MTR and we went off to Diamond Hill, in anticipation to eat dinner in Wong Tai Sin for Oyster Cakes. Diamond Hill didint have much to offer us so we ate lunch in the food court (Korean) and then went back to Mongkok. We walked around the goldfish street and we ate from a restaurant with oyster cakes, fried pipi and stir fry. Best meal yet. Her father called and said he was in Hong Kong, so Sylvia rushed back home to see his dad then returned at 1am to sleep over with me.

Day #4 Sunday - We got 2 boxes of expensive mooncakes on Saturday as I had to meet Sylvia's dad and her grandma for breakfast. I THINK I did OK but I'm not sure if the dad really likes me or not. The grandmother seemed to be OK with me though. After the meal we took them back home and I got a first hand glimpse of the huge house they live in. The rain settled after a while so we walked around WongPao for a while then we went to Mongkok again. It was raining again so it was pretty romantic. She decided not to go home and return like the night before and she spent the night with me again.

Day #5 Monday -Sylvia got up for work early again and I checked out of hotel with Auntie and went to Yumcha with my family. We bought some clothing after work and then I went home to watch a DVD. She told me that she should finish normally at around 8pm so I decided to wait for her at KwungTong after work. Uncle took me there. I waited till 9pm as Sylvia had to OT. Sylvia's Auntie and Grandma were expecting us for dinner at their place so we told them to eat first and save some for us. We got there very late and I got to meet her cousin's boyfriend. I proceeded to sleep over in her brothers room.

Day #6 Tuesday - Sylvia had to go to work so I found my way back to Aunties house. I slept again till the arvo then went to KwunTong again with auntie and Uncle. Sylvia was there at 830. Auntie offered for Sylvia to sleep over at her place so Sylvia accepted it. We walked around APM and I bought her a ring, then we ate "Curry in a Hurry". WE had to go back to Hung Hom before heading to Aunties place as we had to grab Sylvias mum's items. Sylvia slept over at Aunties place.

Day #7 Wednesday - Packed up some stuff and then went to BBQ with family(for 5 hours). Sylvia agreed to see me again so she caught the taxi to Aunties after work. We ate again downstairs at Aunties place and she stayed till 12ish, and I walked her down to catch the taxi.

Day #8 Thursday - Uncle drove me via taxi to the airport and here I am.

Overall its been a + experience

Fear

2010-07-02T00:38:00.002+09:30

I'm no stranger to girls. I am also no stranger to turning them down girls.

Just a few minutes ago someone had confessed towards me her feelings and I had to play dumb.In truth, I should have seen this coming but I was gullible enough to believe in the existence of platonic relationships between different sexes.

I really cannot lose this friend; she is everything that I would normally look for in a girl but I only see her as a friend, nothing more nothing less.

I tried to interrupt her a few times when I felt it coming, but I guess I was being selfish and not letting her express how she felt. But now I wish she hadn't told me those words. I told her that our friendship was not worth risking over a relationship as a couple.

She tells me to forget she said it... but I'm afraid it will be extremely awkward now. I hope this friendship can remain unaffected.

Imma Be

2010-05-14T18:26:00.002+09:30

I hate that song, sounds like some stupid bumblebee song or something.

Work is really fun at the community. I am officially leaving on 14/6 back to the ward. Pros =more money, Cons= less fun times. I recently signed up for salary packaging too... so im ready for the Kaching!

I have had some staff members tell me they are willing to do part time to keep a fulltime position open for me too... to be honest I don't think i can accept that as its too big of a sacrifice for my colleague. I think I've really made an impact over here.. both to the staff here and to my clients. I am just really happy I got to learn alot and met a whole bunch of great people!

Now I have to start thinking how to utilise my knowledge + experience back into the stagnating ward...

Graduate

2010-04-23T22:50:00.002+09:30

I went to Jem's graduation ceremony today. It was pretty nostalgic seeing people dressed up in the proper attire.

It's only been a year since I have walked down that aisle however it feels so distant.

Milk Project

2010-04-16T17:22:00.002+09:30

Has been a while since I posted here. I have moved out and currently living independently. Life is pretty cool, however I have to maintain a strict budget ( which means no internet and not alot of furniture yet!)

Anyhow, I do return home once a week and I use this opportunity to do my family stuff and to use the interweb.

In a nutshell, being a case manager is the best thing that has happened to me. I have a place in the medical world now; social workers, occupational therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, Gps and even magistrate members acknowledge me and work with me to provide better holistic care for the clients. Unlike in the ward, these allied health workers actually respect the opinions of us and we talk on an equal level. Unfortunately, I will be returning to the ward soon as I was abit hesitant about staying in the community before. The boss actually offered me the position a few times but by the time I felt ready to stay with them it was too late. Oh well, I'll just wait for the next opening I guess.

Over these few months I have gotten pretty close to some of the members in the team. I am actually spending time outside work with them. Once they even held a party at my place! We will play golf tomorrow and tennis the week after. Fun times ahead!

Establishments

2010-01-29T19:31:00.002+10:30

I am not no longer a newgraduate. I am officially a fully fledged RN now, which means I am alot more liable than I used to be. This means no more hiding behind the "I'm a Noob" shield or the "Please Show/Teach me how to do it" clause.

That's ok though, over this year I have really built up my skills and my confidence. In fact, I have become a teacher in my own right. That's correct, I have been the role model for several students now, teaching them and supervising their practice. Whether they pass or not is now up to me. How fast time has past; when I started this blog my future depended on the nurses who looked after me, now I am the one passing students.

Being a teacher is quite alot of stress. While they have pretty much become my assistants to do all my orders, there can be a backlash of responsibilities. If they for instance, give an injection incorrectly it is my ass on the line. Funny thing is, I have had several clients complain of some poor needles...

Anyhow, job satisfaction is on the rise lately. Both the ward and the community need me. They went up to management to fight for me to work for them... imagine that!

teehee

2010-01-24T15:19:00.000+10:30

i love badminton!

Life of Badminton

2010-01-18T18:00:00.004+10:30

Lately Marlo and I had really got a morale boost in badminton lately, especially after we started scoring points head to head with the professionally trained players.

I played badminton again yesterday with one of Zam's cousins. However for some reason Zam's cousin Ray was in another level altogether. Actually, I wouldn't call it another level, he just played the game alot differently.

We are used to the more aggressive players, the more in your face style people who slam the shuttlecock to score points. Slowly by surely, Marlo and I have started adopting this style. In fact, we have even developed our own niche, he became the finisher and I was the defensive player - reason is that I can cover the court and return hits well, while Zam seems to excel in finishing blows. Our chemistry as a team really shined when we were able to start defeating Sharon.

Ray on the other hand, he played a more technical style of badminton. Even when he had the opportunity to slam, he would try and do shots near the net or direct the shots in very tricky angles. He had excellent sense of control and I believe he even added a spin somehow onto the projectile as it seemed to gravitate alot faster that a normal shot. In short, we lost pretty badly.

We got so exposed to the aggressive style of play that we forgot about the game of deception and player manipulation! It opened a whole new direction of the game for me that night. Yes, we lost pretty badly, but it inspired me to play in a different way. I've never been good at slamming. (Yes - I can do them and yes, it can definetly be still improved) because I lack that killer touch. Marlo seems to have the killer touch that is embedded into the finishing slam- the one that ends the game.

The whole badminton experience reminded me of one thing. I forgot that to achieve something, there are many ways to go about it. I have been trying to force myself into a style that isn't me, mainly because in my immediate environment everyone does it in that way. The game told me that if I cannot use force, I can use deception/manipulation!

I look forward to seeing how much my potential can be maximised through this experience.

P.S - the whole debacle on the 30 year old girl is over. It's nice to know that I am still attractive though.

New Begginings

2010-01-03T11:02:00.003+10:30

It has been a very eventful year for me in 2009.
Some of the highlights include
- meeting all sorts of new and interesting people
- going to all sorts of different places with my buddies
- trying out all sorts of new stuff with my buddies
- started an aquarium
- remodelled my chaos army
- working fulltime in a dynamic environment
- purhasing my first property
- semi breaking up with my partner
- nearly getting involved with a love scandal

My confidence levels are again at an all time high. I was reminded that I am only 24, with a degree and a masters under my belt, and already have my first investment property. I am said to be not too ugly and witty/charismatic. Best part is, I am working fulltime in a job that helps the community and it is also a well paid job.

So why should I feel down in the dumps? That's right. Don't feel sorry for me because I'm great.

Reality

2009-12-28T12:34:00.002+10:30

When I was younger I had a very clear vision of whats right and whats wrong. I knew what moral boundaries were and I would never even think of crossing the line.

The problem I am now facing is pretty much adultery. Maybe this is the reality?

Citadel

2009-12-15T21:19:00.001+10:30

I don't know why I do the things I do. In my quest to get a trophy I hurt feelings and betray emotions.

Lost in Transition

2009-12-06T22:14:00.002+10:30

I have woken up.

For some reason, I strayed from my goal and I had gotten lost on the way. I totally forgot the reason I am saving all this money... the reason I have purchased property...the reason I am pursuing a more senior position in my hospital.

I had it all planned out and it was pretty set in stone if I had followed it strongly. This was all so that in 20 years I would have achieved all my planned milestones... the main one being that I would be married to my partner of Sylvia.

What the hell was I thinking when I let another girl into my life? Why did I even ask for the number? I already have everything I need in my life... I have exceptional friends, I have a good stable job and I have a perfect girlfriend.

This chapter in my story has worried many of my friends, who have spent alot of time and thought into my stupid misadventure. However something still remains to be settled... that is Sylvias circumstances in Hong Kong.

Today I called her to ask her when she can return here. I told her we can get married, and ill even go there personally to bring her back here for that matter. I don't want my heart to stray anymore. I dont want to be lonely here by myself anymore. She will think about it and call me back tomorrow.

Right now my resolve is pretty strong - I need to get my shit together and work harder.

Blinded by Stupidity

2009-12-06T08:13:00.002+10:30

Self affliction of pain is really stupid. This week has been hell for me. I havn't slept well or concentrate well due to the presence of this new girl in my life.

I cannot even imagine how I lived my life last week without all these worries. How I wish I did not ask her for her number. Now I am clusterfucked in the brain ; does she really like me? Does she have other intentions? Do I really like her? What will happen to my current partner?

Last week I was able to go out on jogs, play games with my buddies and concentrate on my future with clear vision. At the moment all I see is a guilty conscious slowly devouring my mind away.

Hindsight

2009-12-05T22:46:00.002+10:30

I think I need to appreciate the things I already have in my possession and not try to pursue unrealistic dreams.

Lifelong Debt

2009-12-05T01:30:00.001+10:30

I think I have just reached some type of mid age crisis in my early 20's. I don't know how the hell this happened but it just imploded on me tonight.

I asked a girl for her number
She turned out to be 5 years older than I am
She likes me
I have residual feelings for her
I am in a long distance relationship
She is in a 3 year relationship
She asked me out for a drink tonight.
I become mindfucked.

Having girls interested in me is nothing new to me... but this seems like something outve a movie. I think I am in big shit.

twenty cents

2009-12-02T06:53:00.003+10:30

Sometimes I do things based on gut instincts and sometimes I do things with intense planning. I've always been the more independent type though, only doing what I believe in.

Several events have occured since I last posted...

1) I have purchased my first property.
2) I have decided to stay with Sylvia
3)However, I am still not able to let go of the new girl completely

Other stuff has also been happening, but these seem to be the thoughts revolving around my head at the moment. I am only human and I still make lapses in judgement.

Eclipse

2009-11-27T07:44:00.002+10:30

Community now is choc-a-bloc. I have an unending stream of clients who I must work with, ranging from centrelink lobbying to CTO hearings. I recently took on 10+ more clients as I felt it was too easy before... totalling up to twice the amount of clients since I started. I asked for it to be honest. But it has become a really beneficial challenge/experience and I am learning heaps from this experience!

Fall from Grace

2009-11-26T18:47:00.004+10:30

I had my final newgraduate day today. As a treat, we had an excursion to all the hospitals in the area after our final exam. Considering it has already been a year, time really has passed quickly.

Now, today something rather strange occured... for some reason I started flirting with one of the others in the group. It started as innocent chatter in a group, but then it became more like a personal chat between the two of us. Not long later, we were making jokes with each other and we had exchanged numbers/emails since we won't be in contact as much after this program.

I don't know how to say this without sounding like an asshole, but for some reason I felt that she was indeed paying more attention to me during the day and even my friend noticed it; but I did not back down. In fact I think I egged her on, and I enjoyed it.

This feeling, I have been putting aside for so long since Sylvia had left me. Never had I laid eyes on anyone else, but today it just happened. I had butterflies in my tummy and I had a load of fun. My friend who noticed the development of this strange but magnificent relationship told me it was normal for me to look for another... considering the circumstances I am in.

I feel guilty though. I have a partner. She is not with me, but I have a duty to remain loyal. I need to fight these urges... perish them while they are still undeveloped. My mind is still thinking of this new girl, but I know that I am throwing everything away if I stray from Sylvia.

Reception

2009-11-23T17:48:00.002+10:30

Today I went back to the Mental Health Unit to see a friend of mine. I was suprised by the warm reception from the staff over there. They all seemed to welcome me and speak to me - even the ones that are usually cool. It was a really nice visit.

I had my first Indian meal of my life with Jem today. I had butter chicken with rice and naan bread and Jem had some Lamb rostgalthingy. Great experience and good price, but we had to eat quickly due to time restraints.
Ahh.. I nearly forgot; one of the naan breads had a hair on it. I pointed that out to the waiter and I demanded it changed. Usually this isn't something I would do, but for some reason I asked for it. I think the confidence communtiy has given me has made me abit more demanding. Perhaps it could be something that our role requires....? I literally have to lobby for clients at centrelink and I represent the law when I apply for CTOs.

Anyway, I have already done 3 CTOs now. I have gotten what I want in every single one so far. Some I really had to fight tooth and claw over as the clients spoke extremely well, but some basically spoke for themselves.

One of my greatest weaknesses in the past was speaking to crowds/audiences. I had the vocabulary and the ability to romanticize things I say, but I used to stutter and freeze when under the gaze of many. However, this has become a thing of the past. I get nervous yes, but once I get started I can really get my points across well!

Smuggling

2009-10-29T07:29:00.002+10:30

I have been in the community for over a month now. One of my fellow newgrads who I hung around with for most of the year said that I have changed abit, and other colleagues at work think that I have too. How? Well... I have been rejecting offers to go out with them on parties and I don't chat with them as much, basically saying that I have become somewhat smug.

I don't have much to say to this unfortunately. I am there to work, not to socialise or have fun after work.

Treatment Orders

2009-10-26T18:02:00.002+10:30

I had my first CTO hearing today. I was nervous and I actually missed a que for me to start speaking and justifying my reasons but I got what I asked for luckily. It was really scary... sitting in front of a panel of judges and speaking like a lawyer but man was it exciting!

Catchup

2009-10-25T09:53:00.002+10:30

It has been a while since my last post; I've been meaning to write something all along but never really got the chance or motivation. I guess today is the day.

Since my last post, I have done quite alot.

- been to Canberra
- went to all the museums of Canberra
- been to Melbourne
- been to Central Coast
- tried warm wine
- been to Goulburn
- went through Mittagong
- slept overnight in a car
- experienced go-carting
- improved pool skills
- started an aquarium
- started driving the community cars independently
- quit gym sessions in perview of changing my diet instead
- played my first planetstrike game

I'll go into detail later. I gotta eat some breakfast now!

Much Ado About Nothing

2009-09-23T20:22:00.003+09:30

I am feeling alot more confident in community now that I have nearly completed my third week there. Community is not as daunting as I thought it would be.

Firstly the people there are not as suprior as I thought they were. Perhaps I was intimidated by the flashy clothing and their unworldy good looks... who knows. I am fitting moderately well with them now. I do still feel out of place at times when I am unable to make witty comebacks, but I guess that is something I have to live with.

Secondly I think my job is abit too easy. It's true that I am my own manager as a case worker. I can choose what I want to do when I want to. I can even choose to spend the day strolling Westfields if I am in the mood, but that would get boring pretty quickly. Perhaps I need an addition to my current caseload. However I told my preceptor I am willing to take on more after my first CTO.

I have found something that I can really improve on during these few weeks though, and that is my speaking skills. It's funny how I say that I need to improve on my speaking skills, as most people think that I am pretty sharp tongued. I have noticed that I can come up with alot of good points and/or arguments, however I am unable to drive these ideas forward to deliver them with as much force as I should.

That is something I can definetly work on.

Case Managing

2009-09-10T20:16:00.003+09:30

Been in community since Monday, and I am having a little trouble adjusting. I guess it is a normal thing to feel indifferent to new environments as I need time to adapt and to cope with these changes. Some things I can change right away, some things I may need to learn how to pick up.

For instance, I believe that the staff here are alot more witty and sophisticated. These people are alot more presentable - in fact they are all handsome or beautiful. They are able to just blurt out all these sharp jokes and comebacks without pausing and sometimes I find myself needing to focus on their dialogues to catch on. I cannot learn how to be wittier and more intelligent, and I wonder if this would effect my integration into the team.

In addition, the pace of the work is alot different. I find myself sitting on my desk twiddling my thumb alot more now. I have the title 'case manager' and my responsibilities are alot bigger now, but I feel like I honestly have nothing to do. Perhaps the previous case manager who handed me her patients did a really good job - I do not know. I just hope that I am not sitting there and not knowing there in fact to do.

Ignorance

2009-08-31T10:41:00.002+09:30

Sometimes it's better to be oblivious to the world around us.

We were celebrating Bb's birthday yesterday, and one of the destinations was to Star City. Once again going to the place has opened my eyes to the troubled world. Personally, I found the casino to be disgusting. I saw it as a home for all these mentally ill people throwing their money away into a sink. The only winners there would be the owner of the casino, as in my one hour stay there all I saw was people losing money like there was no tomorrow. Then again, who am I to complain if people are willing to chuck their paychecks away for the thrill? Another interesting thing I found was that msot of the casino dealers were Chinese. I felt that it made the Chinese look like the vectors of mental illness. I don't want to enter that wretched place ever again truth be told. It is probably the most sin filled place apart from the brothels.

This morning I was just googling random things and I found a link about bullying in China. Children were stripped and beaten up and raped to avoid being beaten up in Guangdong. I saw a clip of a naked girl being slapped around and what seemed like being raped by several men. She did not even put up any resistance. I felt a bit of me die inside, as it was the first time I have been exposed to something this explicit. Sure, there is war and anarchy going on but to see something like this in a more community level made me sick.

Change

2009-08-28T12:49:00.002+09:30

Change is something most people do not enjoy as people are generally more comfortable with stability. For me, a huge change will happen very soon as I will be heading into my community rotation.

I am still a little unsure of what to expect in communtiy at the moment. On one hand, I feel that this rotation has come at a good time. To be honest, I think I am starting to feel some burn out at the unit. I feel that my learning in there has plateaud and that there isn't much for me to gain there anymore. In addition, I feel that work has become more of a grind lately and that the environment has had me felt powerless at times.

On the other hand, I will be heading into a position that makes me a case manager which implicates alot more responsibilities. Issues with my clients will follow me as I cannot just hand it over to the next nurse, delaying these issues will only excerbate the issues. There is going to be intense pressure and stress in the first weeks. I will be taking charge of centrelink payments and living arrangements for my patients, I will advocate for them in the magistrates, I will lead a team of health professionals in directing the care for them. In addition, I will be driving government cars. These cars are the newest models and considering I got my P's not long ago, I am horrified of scratching them (even if theyre insured by the hospital).

I think overall I am looking forward to this change though. I like challenges, it makes my life interesting and it only makes me stronger if I am put into a difficult environment... if I do not crumble under the pressure that is.

This is me at a transitional point in my career after choosing nursing over my business career. If I had stayed in the business career ... I would already be a manager at a shoe company... or continue working at the lawfirm at the Governor Phillip Tower enjoying the view. However I have chosen this path and I have not regretted it the slightest bit. Sure, my profession does not have the prestiege and the glamour, but who in their right mind would like to wear gorilla suits roaming the city anyway?

Initiative

2009-08-20T06:27:00.003+09:30

During a night shift at approximately 0230, the nurse looking after the acute side came up to me with a very concerned expression on her face " Jacky, will you accompany me? [Patient name omitted] is missing from her room and there is smoke in the ward!".
I made a nervous joke that perhaps the patient burnt herself to ashes. Hopeful thinking aside, I instantly felt that this may mean that impending trouble was coming along our side as this woman was a really horrible person. When angerted she would physically smash everything/anybody within her vicinity and was unpredictable in nature. If she was to start playing up at this time of the night, all the other patients will be awoken and we would be understaffed to control the onslaught as there are only 3 staff members in night shifts. Unfortunately, we had a nurse doing a double and she needed a few hours of sleep, so it was the 2 of us.

We took our torchlights and made sure we had our duress alarms ready just in case she decided to give us some fist sandwiches. As a male working in this field it can be abit disadvantageous. Although I was not assigned to work on the acute side that night, I had to be there to accompany my colleague as I was the only male in the ward at the time and I was undeniably more stronger and capable of defending myself compared to her. We walked together down the dark corridor, expecting anything to break loose. Incidentally, the work colleague saw the lady walk out of a male patients' room, fortunately still fully dressed. She immediately started questioning why she was in the other persons room and told her it was not appropriate to enter anybody elses room - especially at night time. The patient was apologetic and said she only wanted to be there because she wanted to chat to the man in that room who I shall call 'Ray'.

Now I knew this was totally untrue. I have never seen the two chat in broad daylight and Ray seemed to be abit dazed. One thing whcih caught my suspicion was that Ray had a pair of pants visible on his bed. My initiative took over and I told my colleague to escort the lady back to her room. This is because she kept lingering about the outside of Ray's room and that anything which will even slightly upset her will cause her to erupt in a fit of rage - and we did not want that.

My colleague escorted her back to her room and made sure she stayed in bed while I stood outside Ray's room. Afterwards I told my colleague to stand by me as our business was not finished. She was abit confused as to why I decided to suddenly give out these 'orders', especially when she was a few years senior to me in experience. I told her I wanted to make sure Ray was not having intercourse with her, and I had to do this by lifting his blanket to check if he was naked inside...especially sicne he had a pair of pants on his bed right beside him. There has been cases where the hospital can be sued if the patients had intercourse and got pregnant. Anyhow I peeked inside the blanket and sure enough he was wearing his pants... however I also noticed a trail of tobacco leading to the other pair of pants on his bed.

I politely and assertively told him " Ray, I understand that you have some items on you which need to be returned to the office. I'm sure it is to both our interests that the security not get involved... so please co operate and return those cigarettes." I was not scared, but I knew that there was always the possibility of him lunging at me. However he adhered to my instructions and he handed over 2 packets of cigarette materials and a lighter.

The next morning, when the female patient woke up, she was raging. She swore and threatened to kill Ray, because he "uppercutted" her. She started kicking and smashing the mental health facilities and was really becoming a danger to those around her. We all knew this was not true; there was an underground tobacco blackmarket going on in the ward and Ray was the one caught with the 'goods'.

I am still feeling very proud of myself, as I knew this was going to happen. It was always my intention to divert her away from the nicotine bust and then let her find out in the morning instead, as there will be more staff to deal with her aggression and that at least it was daytime so there would be less disruption in the ward.

I have acquired the skill to lead and manage problems tactfully and foresee potential circumstances from occuring. It is very much important to be able to think on your feet when you are on the ward, and take charge when the situation arises.

Life

2009-08-19T00:03:00.002+09:30

Life is funny sometimes. It seems to give you something, then take it away from you just for the heck of it.

I got to see her 2 days out of this short visit. Just now she had returned home. It was very sad seeing her off again. It's becoming a very painful experience as I've had to say goodbye to her multiple times throughout our relationship.

Shit sucks man. Feels like someone is twisting every fiber within my body. This internally driven chronic emotional pain is starting to drive me into a state of numbness.

Safety First or Fitness First?

2009-08-15T01:13:00.002+09:30

I have been succumbing to peer pressure and attending alot of gym sessions and excerises. I believe I will not continue the current regime now as I have lost over 5kg in less than 2 months. My BMI has fallen down to 22.7 from a 24.9!

I am happy the way I am now. I don't need 6 pacs or huge muscular physique. I suddenly found my first 2 packs and the begginings of the 4th... but I dont think I really need the final 2...hehehe. Anyway, life's good.

I think I like the feeling of being fit again. As a nurse I should always set an example to patients in regards to healthy lifestyle.

Body Combat

2009-08-02T22:19:00.002+09:30

Everything has been settled now. With the advice of another close friend, I managed to defuse the situation,. Everything is back to what is was before, and all is forgiven and forgotten. We have gone out several times since then already and we are continuing to have good times. Tonight we went to Marrickville to try out this Greek restaurant..I think it was called Corinthian or something. We ordered this huge plate of pork and lamb platter and couldn't finish it. It was a mountain of roasted meat weighing 1kg+. After the first few pieces, the taste really dulled and we were literally sick of it despite it being beautifully cooked. Afterwards we drove to Newtown and shared some sorbet. I dont remember the name of the shop, but the pistachio flavored sorbet was really good.

Anyway, I am still feeling a bit guilty about tonights dinner! I just did a bunch of situps to help reduce the fat, but I know it's nowhere near enough to lose what I had tonight. Looks like I'll be joining the guys in the gym tomorrow!!!

Addit: And not to mention the golf driving range, badminton game and RPM course next sunday!

Pain

2009-07-15T19:11:00.002+09:30

It was a very unexpected blow to me, and I felt both angry and hurt. The frustration will subside, but the hurt may be left forever in my memory.
Perhaps it is not such a big deal and I am the one blowing it out've proportion, but I still cannot comprehend the fact that he even let the benefit of the doubt get to him.

Oblivion

2009-07-14T17:22:00.002+09:30

The night before we had one of our game nights. The four of us had a a blast - BBQ followed by lots of games. It has been a while since we have done that. Yesterday I had a very full day...walking to work, am shift, playing badminton for 2 hours, then heading off to a gym session. That's when we had dinner. In short, the dinner did not go too well as two of us got into some very childish behaviour and we ended up sitting separately. However we got back together right after and enjoyed dessert at another restaurant. It was overall a very exciting day.

Today I called one of them to talk about the body pain that we are both experiencing. The conversation brought us up to the issue that arose last night during dinner...and alot more. I had never guessed that between us we had our own politics.

Subject of the Day

2009-07-13T22:21:00.000+09:30

I miss you Sylvia.

Junky

2009-07-12T13:03:00.002+09:30

I have been doing alot more excersize lately. The reason is mainly because Sylvia said I look like HK singer William So due to my weight gain of the past 2-3 years. I personally find him very intelligent looking, however she does not. Anyhow, I have decided that my BMI was abit too close to the overweight criteria so I have decided to adapt a new attitude to excersize to become healthier.

I have discovered that this attitude has come with many fringe benefits. I have been feeling alot brighter and fitter lately, and I think that it provides great opportunities to interact with my friends.

While I am enjoying the advantages of excersize, I must say I am not at all interested in becoming a gym junky or some fitness guru. I am doing this only for my health and not for performance or body image. As a health worker, it is a great advantage to me as I know how the body works as to regulate my fitness.

Mourning

2009-07-11T11:38:00.003+09:30

It's been a few weeks since Michael Jackson's death, and I am still trying to mourn for him by constantly playing his music and videos and catching up on the news regarding his death. Him leaving us is such a shock to me. I never knew the man personally, but I felt as if I grew up with him. As a health professional I should not even be this caring towards death as I face it all the time... however it's only human nature (no pun intended).

Landmines

2009-07-09T23:50:00.003+09:30

Tonight I was in charge of PECC again. This inevitably gave me the opportunity to gossip about the people at work and update myself on the happenings of the ward once again. I must admit my workplace is a political landmine.

Tonight I found that my newgrad friend was seen as a 'dork', that some of the staff are hated by certain others and some have bitter histories with one another. Even what would seem to be the closest girlfriends in the ward did not seem like what it would.

I have no clue why people trust me with these kind of information. However it dawned on me that I had to be very careful... as the bearer of this knowledge I now am somewhat a part of it.

Now I must tread carefully lest I accidentally set something off. Boy I love work politics!

Friendly Flirting

2009-07-08T22:00:00.002+09:30

I went out tonight with an old friend of mine. I was meant to meet her 6 months ago, but I kept delaying it because of my "busy schedule". Anyhow, after work tonight I went to the city with her and we ate some Korean food at a restaraunt. I shouted the meal because it was I who kept delaying our meeting and I guess I have to give some consideration into the patience she had.

I am not too sure but I got the vibe she was flirting with me. Perhaps I am thinking too much but she hugged me twice unexpectedly tonight and kept asking me suggestions for fun after dinner ( I was content to go home after the meal). We walked around the city and we played the airhockey game at Galaxy World after seeing some kids play it. She asked me many questions about my love life and took a few pictures of us too... in fact she even got one of the waiters to take a pic of us during dinner. She even sent me an sms with a personal joke right after we left.

I did not really react much tonight. I guess I just felt abit worn out from my morning shift... and because perhaps I was abit guilty with the satisfaction of being paid attention to by a female again. I have not courted any girls since Sylvia had left, or even spared a thought of the possibilities I could have with other females. Domewhere during this period, I feel my human instincts grow each day, craving for the attention I used to be overexposed to.

I miss the 'touch' of a female. Here we are on different ends of the world wasting away our youth, time and energy in order for the opportunitiy to reunite.

Lifeline

2009-07-03T21:50:00.002+09:30

Last night I got a call at 1800 on my day off. They were wondering whether I can turn up for the night shift instead of this morning. Although I had dinner arrangements with my friends already, I decided to go right after I have the dinner since it was night shopping and I haven't met with my friends for a while.

When I got there they put me in charge of the Pecc unit again. I did not really prepare for the arduous night shift so naturally I was abit tired and I was not performing at my 100%. I did everything early on the shift to prevent anything from being forgotten and the night went though pretty quick. One of the tasks of the night shift in PECC is to take lifeline calls from those who feel suicidal or require assistance after hours. A pager is located in the office and it forwards numbers to us whenever someone is in need.

By the time I was at the train station on the way home, my friend told me it was surprisingly lucky I did not get any calls from the pager. I did not suspect anything until she asked me whether I had turned the pager on... and from my recollection I did not. I had no clue it needed to be turned on... I thought it was automatically on 24/7.

This could have severe consequences on me... especially for the in-charge. I have been negligent in my shift, failing to perform the expected role of the in charge nurse. Somebody suicidal may have called in last night requiring help but I was not there for them. I got 2 missed calls this morning which I did not pick up because I was sleeping. I am really wishing that these calls are asking me to do extra shifts and not to invite me for disciplinary action.

With greater power comes greater responsibility.

P for Pokey

2009-06-30T22:22:00.002+09:30

I have finally gotten my driving license yesterday. Now my job is secure and my short term goals complete. On the same day, I met up with my buddies and we went for another bout of body combat. Between the 4 of us, much has changed. We all seem to have gone different paths - one of us was still studying, 1 had chosen to do post op nursing and my best friend and I are doing mental health - on the opposite sides of Sydney. Much of our conversation was about our work experiences and how we found nursing. This is appropriate for friends catching up, but I felt perhaps we dwelt on it abit too much...almost to the point that our profession was the only thing we have in common to keep us together.

Work wise I think I am somewhat making progress with the relationships in the ward. I have been spoilt to a degree really. I've been getting alot of lifts back home with nurses who live near my area. In fact, they offer it without me asking. I really appreciate these people. On the flipside, many people have been leaving the unit as of lately. Perhaps it may be due to opportunities arising or burnout, but because the staff are leaving at a rapid and consistent rate - for some reason I believe it has to do with being disgruntled about changes that our new manager is bringing forth. The politics in our ward is still pretty strong. Lucky I am still an insignificant small potato.

Internal Strife

2009-06-28T22:28:00.002+09:30

Today 2 events occured which had made the shift one I would like to forget.
1- I had my first takedown injcetion tonight.
2- I did not own up to something I did wrong.

1- Mental health units are probably the only place (bar ED) which have staff pin down patients and inject them with needles full of medication. TOnight I was unfortunate enough to have a patient who was refusing oral medications and was acting in a manner which could harm other patients. This was a 70 year old man who was obviously very disorientated and confused. We had 6 nurses drag him from the common areas to his room and pulled his pants down forcefully, where I was set to innject a 21mm needle into his back. It sounds very exciting and fun when you hear about it, but when you become the one witnessing it and giving the needle, you feel somewhat as if you are nothing more than a custodian prison guard. I still feel a bit uncomfortable, not because I feel sorry for the man, but due to the shock value of the actions that we had to undergo to give him the needle.

2- Tonight a distressed mother called in to the unit and asked for her daughter. I answered it and I assumed she was in another department. She was stil ltalking but I did not bother to hear her out and I just transferred her call to the other department. A few minutes later, the other department caleld and was upset at the way the call was dealt with, as that daughter was not there also and caused both the department and the mother preventable pain. The in-charge asked who it was that transferred the call. Normally I would stand up to my wrongdoings and admit I did it. For some reason cowardice took the better of me and I sat there not saying a word. In the end nobody took the blame, but deep inside me, I felt like I had suffered punishment worse than what couldve been if I had admitted. I felt as if my integrity had just been grinded into dust. I feel so dirty now.

It's been a horrible night.

Fatty Boomba

2009-06-15T22:57:00.002+09:30

I am not as handsome as I used to be. I think this may be due to weight gain that has occured within the last 4-5 years. To my understanding, this may be to do with Sylvia pampering me, buying me junkfood everyday when she was still here. Boy do I miss her. Boy do I miss my good looks.

Failing

2009-06-02T23:21:00.002+09:30

I had m first driving test today. I got full marks, however I failed a critical component. Sucks to be me.

Inflammation

2009-05-18T18:49:00.001+09:30

My girlfriend has come and gone. I feel alot better after seeing her again. However I am still trying to get my P's. I hope I won't fail.

Mockery

2009-04-28T22:44:00.002+09:30

As I was waiting for the train today, one of my old friends walked past me with a girlfriend in his arms. Neither of us said anything as he continued onto his way. As we exchanged glances, it reminded me of who/what I used to be.

It is not a well kept secret that I used to be popular with females. I have had dozens of relationships in my life, I could easily bet on which girl I could achieve in a set amount of time and achieve it with ease. I belonged in the "cool" group, and it wasnt hard for any of us to get a girlfriend.

This man I saw today is still switching his girlfriends like clothing. He was happy and he seemed to have no worries in the world. Dressed smart casually and his hair all gelled up, he was probably going to sleep over at the girl's place tonight. While comparatively he does not have a stable job or a reliable income, he was happy and he could still achieve whatever he wanted.
I was leaning on the rails wearing hospital scrubs, my hair blown to oblivion by the chilly night winds and my face drained of energy from the workload. My partner is still overseas and my popularity has dropped due to the sacrifice of my social life for this occupation.

It felt like I was being mocked as he walked past me tonight. What is making me rant is not the fact he has many girls to play with, but why he is happier than I am. Let my sum up how I stand now:

ME
-Stable Girlfriend; check.
-Reliable Job; check.
-Close friends; check
-Happy Family; check
-Expendible Income; check.
-Respect from community; check.

But why? I have chosen this road myself. I have rejected countless girls these few years. I can now support my family and have started building my own future. I have attained many responsibilities that I should be proud of. However evrything that I have achieved in these 5 years seemed irrelevant the second I saw his carefree face. Where have I gone wrong?

Update

2009-04-18T21:28:00.002+09:30

It has been a hectic week. I was put on acute the night before for the first time. FOr some reason the shift was filled with heaps of agency or casual staff who were not familiar with the ward. So basically only 4 regular staff were there including me. That night all the patients were manic, and they were feeding off each other's energy and getting aggressive. So there I was, standing behind a glass window with 3 angry patients on the other side threatning to smash me and throwing all sorts of profanities at me. My help was another nurse who decided he wanted to help do the paperwork for admissions and another casual EN who was scared out of her wits. Somehow, I managed to handle the situation well, dividing and conquering each of them and they eventually settled, despite me having to dispense alot of PRN to help with the settling. I even managed to use de-escalation skills on this patient who was so riled over not being woken up for his dinner. He was literally screaming and punching the glass window, pacing around and ready to assault anyone that gets near him. I managed to talk him down and the conversation ended up in him offering handshake. The EN who was there congratulated me and praised how well I handled it afterwards. To be fair, I was equally scared as he was very unpredictable and perhaps me talking to him on a equal level may have been a safety risk for myself.

Anyhow, my side settled and I saw the subacute side suffering, as they only had 2 staff to dispense medications and care for the whole ward. One of those 2 nurses was in charge that night, and she practically had her hands full from phone calls from external departments. So I offered to help dispense medications and I helepd with the bed transfers. At the end of shift, they also openly praised me, sayng that it was me alone who guaranteed the smooth running of the shift, and that I had survived the worst of the worst spectacularly, and now I am able to face anyhting that comes my way. Of course, I felt really really great about this huge influx of praise, but I beleive perhaps I over exerted myself that night. I had used every single resource my body had to offer to make it through that stressful night.

Today at work, there was even more praise suprisingly. I was told by the other staff that one of the consultants had given me praise; saying that I've been doing a great job at Pecc being in charge as I was able to hold off patients. This has become a grapevine message and it really made me feel honored that the doctor himself took notice of my efforts. IN addition, the nurses this shift were asking me whether I would stay with them after my newgrad program was over. They said they really liked me and wanted me to stay there with them! I have made my presence felt in the ward it appears, and I feel really great about it... however I have gotten sick this week.

I believe it is because I have been putting so much effort into my work that I have fallen sick lately. I feel drowsy alot lately and I have intermittent headaches. I think perhaps a flu is coming my way. Luckily I signed up for the free flu vaccine thats coming up.

In addition, I have just requested to take 1 week of annual leave for my girlfriends short return back here. I already have got the head manager's thumbs up. I just need to get approvalfrom the staffing officer now.........

Thanks Jacky.

2009-04-15T21:35:00.003+09:30

I have been working at the hospital for nearly 3 months now. I have kind of learnt which people could be trusted and which to be wary of. In addition I have also gained many clinical skills to being a successful psychiatric nurse. I have been fortunate to be entrusted with night duties and being the in-charge role of the Psychiatric Emergency Care Centre many a time. Sometimes I feel that this kind of responsibility is abit too much for a newgraduate, however it only aids me in learning faster and it only shows that I have gained the trust of the team to manage a whole unit.

Today I recieved the gratitude of a patient. Nurses often get thanked for their work, however unlike regular nurses, psychiatric nurses often do not get this luxury. This patient however, was to be transferred today. He came up to me and shook my hand and said to me "I am still very sick Jacky, but I want to thank you so much for taking care of me. You are a very good nurse and you are doing a very good job."

As I waved goodbye to him, it had occured to me that I am in this role to help people, and that is the most rewarding part of what I do. While I may not get appreciation from most of the people I look after, I am very proud of what I am doing and I am 100% satisfied with my contribution to society.

Answers That Matter

2009-04-09T18:35:00.004+09:30

I had my graduation ceremony yesterday. While I hate to admit this, I am kind of glad I went. I am glad mainly because I was able to see my friends again, and it made me realise I was never alone throughout the journey to becoming a nurse, and more importantly; my journey to maturity.

During these two years, I have made some really tight bonds with my friends. I've become so close to them that, ironically I am a little scared. I once had invested my hopes and faith in classmates in the past; and I still do not regret it, as I had the best time of my life with them. I was able to exert my childishness and my real self without any fear of repercussions. However, time has passed and I have lost contact with these old friends. Perhaps it was I who made the choice, as I felt I really needed to progress forward with my life and start supporting my family instead of selfishly satisfy my lust for fun. It took me alot of hardship to separate myself from those old classmates but I did it with the support of other extrinsic factors.

I am now faced with a similar matter. I have new friends now who I have developed close bonds with. However the situation is alot different, as I am working now and the things we play with now are alot more productive and more socially acceptible. Should I continue these close bonds and risk having to lose them again or should I distance myself from the inevitable breakup in the friendship?

Fishing

2009-03-28T13:33:00.003+10:30

I have been experiencing many new things lately. Until last year I had never played badminton, tennis, bowling, holding BBQs, various boardgames, bike riding, and fishing. Fishing was the last thing I picked up, and it is a very different activity I must say.
I for one have a bit of fear in fishing, not because of the fish, but because I cannot swim so that masses of water pose a more dangerous threat than to others. Anyhow, we've been fishing in different areas these few weeks, mostly around the Sans Souci area and Croyden area. I've caught nothing but other people's lines and some seawood at best, but it is alot of fun.

Upon reflection, fishing is similar to life. You drop your rod in there, hoping for the best and what comes up (if anything) is pretty random.

Choices

2009-03-18T19:14:00.002+10:30

I wonder if this will be the way I need to live the rest of my life... I work 5 days a week, I get paid fortnightly, I spend my days off with friends. My life adventures seem to be over now, life is just a routine job.

El Fuerte

2009-03-08T21:38:00.003+10:30

I love facing strong opponents, it allows me to understand where I truly stand and to learn/improve.

Grapevine

2009-03-03T10:49:00.002+10:30

Its amazing how much gossip can exist in such a small team. I for one really enjoy the dynamics of the workplace; who is in the clique, who is the lone wolf, who are the disliked.

Working here isn't so bad, I guess it's my lack of inexperience that is causing me to doubt my passion for psychiatric nursing. I would definetly choose this over working at a law/accounting firm, even if I am paid twice as much as I am now.

Untitled

2009-02-26T22:09:00.003+10:30

I have been working for abit more than one month now. I can safely say that I am pretty much guaranteed a permanent job at this palce unless I screw up majorly in an unforgiveable way. Anyhow, life has been pretty hectic on the ward. It's been very busy and I have learnt alot in the politics and way the workplace functions. Personally, coming from a mangement background I kinda love these backstage power struggles. Anywho...

Something which has been concerning me lately is finding my true ambitions for working here. Am I here for the monetary prospects or am I genuinely here to provide service to the community? Of course, I need income to live so I cannot work for free, but is the prospect of being paid with money replacing/overtaking my desire to help others? Can I eliminate the business background from my past?

After finally entering the adult world, I have to say the power of money can warp people and their ideologies on how the world operates.

After skimming through what I just typed, it appears I cannot make sense of it. I have been sleep deprived for a while now. Perhaps when I read back this will be a good laugh.

Sandcastles

2009-02-23T23:00:00.002+10:30

Tonight I had a conversation with Sylvia through Skype. Apparently she bought a pet seahorse and a pet starfish 3 days ago. She was so enthusiastic about her new pet she bought all sorts of pretty decorations and a nice fishtank for them. She told me it was her new heart and blood. She sent me some pics of the pets and then she went to take a shower. Approximately half an hour later she called me and told me her pet seahorse had died. She was crying, shocked by the sudden death of her new pet. Apparently she had not known that water needed to be 1 week old before putting the new pets in.

This may sound very trivial, but for some reason when I heard her cry, I felt crushed. This powerful sinking sensation just flowed through my heart. It was like seeing a child spend all day at the beach building a sandcastle but watch it being swept away by the tide. Suddenly, it reminded me of how much I love her and how much she meant to me. I've morning shift tomorrow but I cannot sleep because she is just on my mind, that sad voice echoing through my skull.

Success!!!

2009-02-09T21:02:00.004+10:30

I love working as a Psychiatric Nurse. I think I have found the one job I can stick to.

It's Funny

2009-02-02T21:43:00.002+10:30

After returning from Hong Kong and starting work, I have realised that my connections with my pre-existing social networks has reduced by alot. This is due to my busy work schedule, and when I am off I really need the day to recuperate. I used to be afraid to start working, one of the main reasons being that I do not want to lose the very close bonds between my friends. Now it seems that I am the one putting off meetings/events with friends. I can't really think of a solution to solve this issue. Time management is something I was always good at, but it seems that I am too emotionally drained to even enjoy the time I spend with my friends when I do find time.

Yesterday my friends had been waiting from 8 to 10pm outside my workplace just so they could meet up with me for 1-2 hours. I feel touched and ashamed; ashamed that my friends had to exert this much effort and energy just to see me ( it just so happened my mobile phone ran outta batteries). These are the same people who have supported me throughout the last 2 years and as soon as I started working suddenly there's this huge rift between us.

One of the friends sms'd me to tell me how she was really scared - scared that one day we will all eventually lose this intimate bond with one another. I am scared too, but I feel powerless to stop this. I still want to live a life.

Clark Kent without his Louis Lane

2009-01-29T21:49:00.003+10:30

I have finished my orientation week and my supernumary days. I am now a fully fledged RN with patients under my care. I give drugs and attend to any needs they require. This is alot of responsibility but I feel I am finally achieving what I have aimed for. I am finally making a difference. I have been threatened with a knife by patients, and I have been made to deal with frustrated family members. However I have also been thanked by patients and appreciated by the staff.

Right now I have a great family, good friends, fantastic job and a great future ahead of me. All I am missing is Sylvia.

I wonder how my wife is doing on the other side of the ocean....

P for Pass

2009-01-22T18:48:00.002+10:30

I need to get my P's as soon as possible now. I've been put into community nursing duties starting March so I only have a few months to practice. My roster is all over the place, weeks of midnight shifts and weeks of morning shifts - imagine my circadian rythmn!

I have to say the St George MH unit is very different to what I had expected. Only 4 of us made it into menthal health at St George this year, I guess I should be proud since I was handpicked by the interviewer himself.

It's a bit hard to accept the fact that I am a fully fledged RN now. I will have supervision duties over other nurses and I will be "definitely" taking on students of my own.
I am a little intimidated by the work environment at the moment. I hope these initial fears will wash away with time.

Shock Culture

2009-01-19T22:17:00.003+10:30

I started my newgraduate position today. I am still very jetlagged and I still miss the lifestyle I had in Hong Kong.

I find it very hard to adapt back to the Australian lifestyle, even though I had only spent half a month over there. I still think Hong Kong people have issues, however I really envy their lifestyle and the community settings they enjoy there. It is so quiet here, like a desolate barren wasteland. I cannot imagine what I used to do to pass the time here. I am lucky though that I have not had a empty day in my schedule since I came here - with much thanks to Jeremy & Co.

I really miss Sylvia. Seeing her again in Hong Kong has once again strengthened my motivation to find enough money to support and live with her.

I came back pretty much bankrupt. I had pretty much bought myself a new wardrobe over there. I'm so glad I got this job though. This week is orientation week. I am expecting to get 1000 dollars just sitting through their 8 hour orientation programs this week. Flop side is that they pay fornightly, thereby Ill get a heavy tax fee attached to it.

I feel empty and lifeless at the moment. I hope I can get over this culture shock ASAP.

Honk Gong

2009-01-03T15:14:00.002+10:30

I am currently typing at my aunt's place in Hong Kong. It's been very tiring for me since I have had no real sleep since I came here.

Sylvia is waiting for me so I gotta go now.

Busy

2008-12-21T23:01:00.002+10:30

I've picked up a more active life since my girlfriend left. I can now proudly say I am pretty good with tennis, basketball and badminton. In fact my friend and I might form a team to paly in tournaments teehee.

Ahh... I feel so young again.

Exhaust

2008-11-28T06:16:00.002+10:30

I've been heading to work early then going to 8 hour clinicals. I wake up at 6 and come home at 10 every night now, usually sleeping around 11-12. This is part of an effort to keep the absence of Sylvia out of my head.

So far its working, so I guess I have to keep doing it until I can accept that she is gone.

Mental Health at Liverpool Hospital sucks. The staff are not engaging to the staff and would rather chat between themselves than to the patients. I do not want to be like them when I work next year.

Funny

2008-11-15T22:50:00.002+10:30

Today me and my friends played warhammer and table tennis at their place in Kinsgrove. We had heaps of fun. The at night they took me all the way to Canley Vale to try out some avocado shakes. It was magnificent. After that we went to somebody's birthday party in Liverpool and after a while we left. On the way home I realised thatI was missing a bag. The bag didn't have that many items in it, however it contained my vaccination card which is required for me to oomplete my last clinicals to graduate.

Marlo screamed out "JACKY YOU'RE NOT SERIOUS" and immediately halted the car. We all had a search but my bag was nowhere to be seen. He immediately called the people at the party and thats when it dawned on me I mustve of left it at the restaurant. Marlo drove straight back to the restaurant again from Liverpool to Canley Vale. He was speeding and his facial expression was very concerned, he knew that I needed the vaccination card to graduate. We rushed there and luckily I got my bag. The workers there were so good and honest.
Anyhow, long story short, I am so glad I have met these guys. THe university experience may have been shitty, however the quality of friends I have met are just... priceless.

It's kinda funny how I am so fortunate to have these people care so much for me. I mean, throughout my whole life I have had people looking after me. I have never really been alone anywhere that I go. I hope things do not change once I start working at my new place next year.

Up Myself

2008-11-15T09:15:00.002+10:30

I have finished all my exams and have digested the fact I have got my graduate position. In hindsight I think there were several reasons I got what I wanted.

1. I answered pretty well
2. I asked plenty of questions back to them
3. I had a slight sense of humor
4. Perhaps I'm male so I stand out a bit.
5. Interview in the morning
6. I got really dressed up and had my hair dyed and cut.
7. I am not too ugly (statistics prove that good looking people get jobs easier!)
8. I am doing Masters
9. Masters was in a totally irrelevant field - shows my adapatability
10. My age - maybe inexperienced but can build upon it
11. My referees were majorly supportive
12. I had the blessings of all my friends/family
13. The interviewers were very nice (but why didn't my other friends make it?)
14. Shortage in the Mental Health field
15. They felt my home was close to work (not really)
16. I was chatting to girls from other universities that I did not know before the interview (social skills?)
17. I had a short casual conversation with the interview organizer and she remembered my name?
18. Interviewees after me were relatively poor (which makes me stand out)
19. 2 of the interviewers had mental health management history
20. Don't know how to explain this but I would have to be a bit up myself and say I charmed them? My small jokes and my easy going attitude ( which was faked, I was scared shitless) made them feel comfortable with me. Some people think I am charismatic while others think I am a total geek. Perhaps I struck the Jackpot that day - all 3 thought I was charimatic. Hehehehe.

Anyhow, The finals were neither too hard nor easy. I have accumulated enough marks in my essays and stuff so I only needed like 20% of the final exam marks to pass anyway. It feels great to know that you are already employed while you sit the exams.

Please excuse me while I bask in my glory. Opening that letter was the best day in my academic life. Now I have my future planned.

Light

2008-11-10T13:17:00.002+10:30

I only expected to get my 3rd or 4th preference to be honest. I really did. This morning I walked down and found a huge package waiting for me to open. I opened it and I found that I got my first preference. I will be working as a newgrad RN at St George next year.

I am euphoric right now. I have tests tomorrow but I cannot focus. I;ve already accumulated 40 marks for every subject. I only need 10/50 for each final so it's pretty hard to fail unless I do not turn up.

My 5 year plan to marry Sylvia can be commenced...

Turmoil

2008-10-27T01:18:00.002+10:30

I try to put on a mask everyday in order to stop others from worrying about me. Behind these smiles and laughter is a place deep in my soul which has been plagued with worry for the past few months.

I am near graduation and naturally I am worried about the direction my future is heading. Will I get a job in nursing? Will I even enjoy nursing as a long term profession? Will I be able to support myself and my family with this profession?
I am young (relatively) and this youth is very much associated with lack of experience. Will I be able to adapt to entering the workforce? Can I cope with the responsibilities of being a health care worker and performing my family role?

I am grateful for the strong support that my friends and family have given me. In these two years, I have opened my eyes to things that many people will not be able to learn or experience in decades of studying or working. This is particularly true in my social experiences.

However perhaps the biggest worry in my life right now is my girlfriend leaving me. There is only a few more days I can spend with her until she leaves for Hong Kong to help her father work. But I must also commit to university and work, especially with the exams coming up in two weeks. How can I adapt to the huge gap left behind when Sylvia leaves? This is supposed to be the time where I need her the most, but without her I just feel that nothing will turn out right and that my world will crumble the minute she leaves. Some of my older 'friends' may assume that I will just find another girl within weeks and replace her, but these people are those who are blind to the pain that I truly suffer.

However am I selfish enough to impinge all these responsibilities onto her? I also must do what is best for her - and that is for her to help her family business. Sure- I can easily marry her and live a financially supported life; but that is not the path I want to take. I will find a way to support her and my family with my own efforts. As of now the independent and confident Jacky is gone and all that is left behind is just a smiling mask longing for Ar Buu's return.

Despite the efforts of my friends to help me ease the pain, the problem lies in myself and nothing can help alleviate these issues unless I overcome them myself. My friends have planned to visit me when I'm on my trip to Hong Kong later this year and also have planned a road trip to Melbourne to help take things off my mind which I am very grateful for, however this is a personal challenge which will take me many, many years to overcome.

Life's Good

2008-10-02T00:37:00.002+09:30

Things change over time. Good things can become bad, and the impossible can become possible.

Ever since I got my casual job life has took a turn. I wouldn't say its all happiness and glory, but I must say that it has forced me to live life at a different pace, at a slightly faster tempo.

Gone were the days where I could just laze at home and surf randomly and have fun with video games. Gone are the days where I could sit and just paint my models to perfection.

Ever since allocating much of my time to work, my personal life schedule has been re-arranged. I have 2 huge essays due the following Tuesday and I have not even read the question yet. I have another one worth 40% due the week after that but I don't know anything about it either. When I'm not working I spend as much time as I can preparing to start on the essays or trying to maintain a social life. I guess now I truly am putting into practice my time management skills to the test. And so far it is kinda working, which makes me feel like I have made a huge achievement.

Work is great. I am with great friends now, and our boss is very very lenient on us. Every night one of my friends bring food for us to eat (he works at a kitchen hand) and the law firm we work at provide drinks for us ( as an incentive for us to stay I guess). Tonight for dinner we had roast chicken, with some beer.
It was delightful having the opportunity to dine with gourmet food and eat with the beautiful scenery available from the Governor Phillip Tower with company. After work tonight we felt peckish so we went to the Rocks to eat some bloody expensive pancakes. Definitely won't do it on a daily basis but I am seeing and learning alot more of the world I live in and I have to say that life is good.

Winds of Change

2008-09-16T18:26:00.002+09:30

Recently I got a email in reply to my newgrad application to a certain private hospital. I was rejected and I have to say that it really hurt my confidence and self esteem. The reason they gave me was that due to the high caliber of the other applicants I was denied a interview. In short I was rejected before they even got to see my face.

Recently I got a job at a law firm. It was very breezy throughout the whole interview process and somehow I got in. I will be starting tomorrow, afternoon shift from 530 to 1030. I will be processing alot of legal documents in an office environment which I had thought I would never return to.

Recently I had a placement at Concord hospital. Luckily a good buddy of mine drives me to and fro everyday and makes my life alot simpler. We are currently doing community nursing in the morning shift, and so far the experience has been great. However I am still not morning person.

Tomorrow onwards I'll start my day with clinicals at 6am, then finish at 330. Right after that I need to be at Circular Quay by 530 and work till 1030. I presume I will return home by midnight to start the routine again the following day.

Unreal

2008-08-30T00:35:00.003+09:30

I shouldn't even be online right now but I need to jot down my experiences today before I lose the essence of it.

It's been another week at Bankstown hospital. I have kinda adjusted to the ward, most of the work is actually during new admissions where I need to gather data on the patient and do his ECGs and all sorts of other obs. So far so good.

Today was the first time I got to see a dead person. I was not there when the resuscitation was going on, but I was there to help clean up the body. I do not know what happened to him but I gathered it was organ failure. He was still warm to the touch, looked perfused and had a dramatic look on his face with his eyes open and his mouth open. We had to make him look presentable for the family and take him to the mourning room where his family can gather. The man was only in his 60s, and was of medium build.

The experience I got from this was unexpected. I kill heaps of stuff on the internet and in games, I watch brutal movies where massacres occur while eating, I can even watch though a whole surgical operation without flinching. I thought this would be nothing to me.
However when I got in, I felt a bit weak in the knees. My heart was pumping rapidly and it just felt a bit unreal. I had the urge to say that I am sorry to the body, but I resisted it because I felt a bit stupid doing so. Anyway overall it was acceptable. I did not cry or feel scared or anything, the feeling I had experienced was indescribable.

We also celebrated a friends birthday party today. That explains why I am typing this at this time of the night. Anyhow I feel dizzy. Jacky out.

Bankstown

2008-08-24T15:00:00.003+09:30

I have been placed in Bankstown Hospital in the emergency ward for 3 weeks. I can honestly say that I am loving it!
I can't think of anything to complain about in Bankstown hospital. The patients are great, the nurses are great, the doctors are great, even the cafeteria food is great!
I admit I was a skeptical at first because everybody I knew told me how bad Bankstown was but I gotta say it is way better than the others I've been in.
The only issue is probably the lack of equipment in the Emergency ward. One would expect the ward to be full of equipment and supplies because we are the frontline health professionals patients see upon admission, but alas; thermometers, stethoscopes and other basic obs equipment are always a rarity.

This experience would not be possible without my great friend Marlo, who had changed from a hospital placement 3 minutes drive away from his house in order to accompany and drive me to Bankstown hospital single day and night.
My appreciation increased even more when one day his car battery went flat when we were on the way home after a shift. I had to call another close friend Jem to help come up and connect up the cars to start it up. If Marlo had been stuck in Bankstown it would have all been my fault!

I feel that clinical placements allow me to learn heaps more than the paperwork mass offered by university. Somehow I think I have regained my passion in nursing. What a miracle.

Powerslam

2008-08-11T23:17:00.005+09:30

With all the conflicts and struggling going on in the world right now, how can anybody truly enjoy the Olympics?

What an upset.

Shane

2008-08-07T08:46:00.002+09:30

Shane had enlisted in the war as soon as he heard that Britain needed Australia's help. Young, inexperienced, and naive he believed that his input would make a contribution for the greater good.

Having lost many of his friends and and been on the brink of death many times, Shane finally sees how idioitic and immature he was to waste his youth in such an unrewarding event. Not only was he was not saving any country or people, he had abandoned his family role supply food and money to his family.

It is now nearing the end of the war. Hardened and psychologically scarred with the horrors of war, Shane is filled with regret and self hate. He had wasted the best years of his life doing something he did not enjoy, and he will always remember for it through medals and badges.

Sinner

2008-07-25T16:02:00.002+09:30

Today I have committed a crime. A crime which has damaged my personal integrity and one that will possibly follow me for the rest of my life. I think I have come to the point of my life where I am so dissatisfied with my life that I needed some thrill to 'feel alive'. I understood that I would be unable to counter the burden of the risks involved if I was caught. However, the rush of adrenaline and excitement lured me into continuing, giving me an indescribable influx of pleasure which I have not felt since high school.

I feel a mixed sense of satisfaction and great guilt. I feel dirty all over but at the same time I kind of look forward for another opportunity to re engage in what I have done today.

Right now I feel as though my life is at a crossroad. Maybe I need some 'me; time to reflect on what I have become and where I am heading with my life.

Karma

2008-06-21T13:09:00.003+09:30

One mustve done some really horrible stuff to be kept away at night feeling guilty of past actions. I could not sleep well at all last night, probably having snuck in 3 hours of nap at best.

The reason this time? Another girl who I had hurt in the past. I won't go into the details but it ended with her pleading and begging me to forgive her but I managed to let my temper get the best of me. In fact she did not even do anything wrong.

Heh, I think this karma thing is biting me preeety hard.

Movie Time

2008-06-08T22:35:00.002+09:30

This long weekend has been full of studying. I need to start reading up now since the finals are only 2 weeks away. I won't play any more online games with my buddies until the finals are over, and I guess I will only watch movies or paint in my breaks. Recently I watched a movie called the Warlords (starring Andy Lau and Jet Li) and I found it absolutely breathtaking. It pulled me in from the start and we couldn't stop watching it until it was finished. The battles were immense and some aspects of it was very deep and meaningful.

I also watched the Forbidden Kingdom. It was a real waste of time and a total disapointment considering it starred 2 of the biggest martial arts stars known to the American world ( Jet Li and Jacky Chan). It was full of crappy computerized graphics and had a crappy storyline tailored for American viewers. Total rubbish considering the potential the synergy that these 2 guys could create.

I can't help but express my newfound appreciation of Andy Lau. His acting skills in The Warlords was really good. I used to see him as the most undeserving '4 heavenly king'; but now I see his hardwork has really paid off. While his singing is subpar relative to the other 3, he is still WAY better than the new wave of HK singers who are killing the industry.

Rambo was exactly what I expected. The storyline was pretty much absent and half the script was mumbled incomprehensively by Stallone. The graphics and realism of scenario was very eye stimulating though I must say.

Chuck and Larry provided a few giggles. Adam Sandler's humor never ceases to amaze me no matter how lame and predictable his jokes are. The ending was crap and the storyline was predictable but it was a good time-eater I spose.

Stephen Chow's new movie CJ7 was a real letdown. Being a fan of him I expected more of the comedy style he had used prior to his Hollywoodisation. To be frank the movie sucked hard. But perhaps this was due to him trying to aim the movie at a younger audience.

V for Vendetta was deep and meaningful, however it sacrificed any form of interest in the movie. It felt like he was talking through 80% of the movie and the other 20% was Batman style action.

I also managed to watch both the Elizabeth movies. I found it suprisingly interesting, even though most of the movie was verbalised. Cate Blanchett once again proved leads do not need to have great bodys or pretty faces to make a movie beautiful. No pun intended.

I still have a bunch of movies to plow through... Machine Girl, Teeth, The Eye....... etc etc. Hopefully these will fill the void left in my abstinence of video games.

Pressure Sores

2008-06-07T10:05:00.002+09:30

I had just finished my clinical placements yesterday at the Brain Injury Ward at Liverpool Hospital. The 3 weeks to Liverpool Hospital required me to wake up at 5am each morning, change trains 3x and cost me 60 dollars in travel overall.

In terms of experience it was very rewarding. I got to see many different patients admitted for different reasons, and I have definitely increased my range of nursing skills. I saw many patients in near- vegetative state - some of who were admitted via motor vehicle accidents and some were admitted through assaults.

I felt a bit sorry for some of the patients I had to take care of; in particular, a boy who turned 18 yesterday. He was admitted for driving a car into a tree and had serious injuries to his head. From what I can see, he will never regain motor skills and strength to the left side of his body ( thus making him semi-hemiplegic) and his cognitive abilities will be reduced tremendously due to the amount of compensation of the brain. Yesterday while I was dressing him up, I saw a note on his table. Written messily on the paper by pencil was a message to his mother. It said "Dear Mother, I really love you. I miss you so much. How is everybody? I really love you."

The mother rarely visited this patient. I do not know the reason, but it really touched me to see his letter. Because of the mistake he made, he will be forever confined to a wheelchair and never be able to meet his full potential.

It still angers me to still see all the hype in driving fast cars via commercials and movies. This is what happens when the media is used in the wrong way. People get influenced and scenarios like this happens. Cars are made to transport people from one place to another, not to permanently paralyse people.

I have gotten one of my essays back, and the mark I got was record breaking low. I got exactly 15/30. The reason was because I used the word "mankind". Apparently it was a sexist term and she happened to be a real feminist. My friend's essay was literally scribbled over with corrections and all sorts of horrible comments but he got 17/30. I need to get 21/50 to pass this stupid subject now. It's a bit stressing because I've never needed such a high mark for the final exam to PASS a fricken subject; since I usually accumulate enough marks in my essays.

Touched

2008-05-14T19:06:00.002+09:30

I should be panicking and doing finishing my essays now but I need to take some time out to blog that I passed. I feel as if a heavy burden has been lifted from me. I need to thank the many many many people who wished me well. For some reason, despite all my previous ramblings about the loss of humanity in course... they managed to prove me wrong again.

I had people I hardly know come up to me and comfort and reassure me. I worried people who I thought I was irrelevant to. I am still a bit shocked and touched by this ...sudden warmth. Perhaps the struggling of this course is something we can all relate to, despite all our differences.

Most of all I really need to thank the friends who were there with me. Despite the piling masses of essays and assignments, they took time out of their own schedule to watch me practice my clinical skills again and again. I am so relieved that I did not fail them by screwing up in my CPA.

Anyhow I need to finish my politics essay now, even if my eyes feel very dry and tired.

Scared

2008-05-12T22:24:00.001+09:30

I'm scared. I know my stuff but I am scared. Probably won't sleep too well tonight.

Goldfish

2008-05-09T20:37:00.002+09:30

A few days ago my goldfish jumped out of the fish tank and fell onto the floor. Since then we put it into a separate tank and have been keeping an eye on it. It can not swim anymore and it appears to be fully conscious. We feed it a goldfish flake every feed but it appears that it vomits it back out as a greenish substance. At the time of this post the goldfish is still wriggling on its lateral side, constantly staring at its environment.

However, since its fall, my mum believes that it has improved a bit of movement especially with its dorsal fins. Because it is able to move its fins and its tail, I believe there is no neurological damage. However, I do suspect it's bone is fractured causing it immense pain and immobility.

Right now, there's 3 options.
a) we end the fish's suffering by giving it a quick and painless death. How I do not know. But it seems to be making progress so I think its kinda irrational to do so.
b) we take it to the vet. We do not have that kind of money so it's not viable.
c) we keep monitoring it the way we are at the moment. This seems the most feasible.

Seeing the fish reminds me of a patient under critical condition. It's suffered a life threatening event and is not severely in danger of dying. No one really knows if the fish will die or how long it will survive, but we are doing everything we can (financially) to keep it alive. The fish itself seems to be clinging onto life as well, which really reminds me of real life situations.

Even though I am a bit scared of the fish itself, I feel really horrible looking at the fish in its current state. There's nothing within my power that I can do and the future for the goldfish remains unclear.

Fail

2008-05-08T10:07:00.001+09:30

I failed a clinical assessment. Will resit Tuesday.

Pledge

2008-04-29T22:07:00.004+09:30

Assessments and other university responsibilities have been bogging me down alot there few weeks. I don't know why but when I lied down on my bed trying to rest my thoughts, my mind reflected on the happenings that have occurred in the past few years. I saw my ups and my downs, and in all these ups and downs were many people around me; some who I am still in close contact with, and some who have gone different paths. Suddenly it dawned on me:

I am a very selfish and insecure person. This really shows when I find myself trying to control certain situations and manipulate it so that I have it my way and disregarding everybody else's.

Let's start with friends. I am really selective with friends. I can be very very close to them in one period of time, then act like strangers in another period of time. I am very strange, I don't know why I do this. I tend to feel superior to those who treat me well, but I try to please those who treat me like dirt. I often try to find heated debates to argue with my friends and try to push my own ideologies ( be it educated or not) onto my friends so that I could feel a bit high. I have double standards. I expect others to help me, but when others try to get my help I find them a burden. I judge people too easily; I tend to look down on people who behave in a manner I do not like. While at the same time, I don't care how others judge me.

However, I make friends pretty easily. Perhaps I am a good listener or perhaps my friends are very nice. Whatever it is though, I am very grateful towards them. To those that have given up on me I do not blame them, because it is I who is wrong.

Perhaps the previous chapters of my life were so glorious that I forgot my story still has far to go. Success and undeserved praises has corrupted my mind with thoughts of superiority and narcissism. I think I am finally waking up that perhaps I have developed a monstrous ego and I need to stop myself from exacerbating it any more.

So as I am typing this with tears of guilt trailing down my cheeks, I will make a pledge to myself to become a better person. I have no need to please those who do not appreciate me, the ones I should please are those around me, those who confide in me, those who love me.

Student Life

2008-04-25T00:40:00.001+09:30

Essays, Essays, clinical placements and even more essays. That's what we have been through ever since I have enrolled. My social life is really at risk at the moment. This week alone I had to postpone a few friends from meeting up, and had two people asking me why I am being snobby to them.

It's so stressful that I don't even play video games anymore, I've taken on painting models to relieve myself from stress because video games can get competitive at times. Unlike all the other students who have 13 weeks in a semester, we have 21 weeks in a semester. Usually this is not really possible, but since this is an advanced course, nothing can be impossible. We start university 3 weeks earlier than everyone else and we end 3 weeks after everybody else. This means the holiday break that most university students take for granted do not apply to us.

The last week I went to POW for my maternity placement. It was very boring since I could not do much there. I got to see a lot of women breasts, but when you are see hundred's of them in a few weeks, breasts just do not appeal anymore. But I guess its still a bragging right that I have seen breasts and vaginas of women from 8-90, from all nationalities and of all sizes. Of course, I have seen my fair share of penises too. Ah well... it isn't a big deal to me anymore.

It could be the biomedical model of thinking thats getting to me, since the uni has been cramming so much of these theories into us. I hope I will never start seeing patients as a disease rather than human though.

Deeds Not Words

2008-04-12T08:53:00.002+09:30

As my university was ill prepared to send us to community placements near our homes, I had to go around the public schools in my area to volunteer or risk being stuck in Bankstown community service placements. The first public school rejected me outright, the Beverly Hills Public principal not even wanting to see me. The second public school I went to was Narwee Public. The principal saw me and I felt very intimidated when she asked me questions about my placement and why I chose that school instead of others. After a second meeting she accepted me and I felt relieved that I did not need to travel to Bankstown every morning.

The first 2 days I was with the Kindergartens. I saw purity and innocence not found in adulthood, and they accepted me as one of them the first day I got there. By the end of the first day I had them all screaming "zacky zacky!" for my attention. In particular was a kid who always came up to say hi to me with a smile and hold my hand, asking me if I was his friend.

Two other days were spent with years 3/4. I saw the development of guilt, embarrassment and unfortunately, the loss of innocence. Rebellious students were present in each classroom, students tried to use me to get answers, and I was not as readily accepted in the classroom until I proved myself useful. I was abit amazed at the politics that the children go through in the classrooms.

The last day was with year5/6. I did not really enjoy it as much as the other days as the children had developed a mature mind and I cannot sense any of that innocence left in them. They became egocentric and cocky to colleagues and teachers.

I have found alot of respect for Narwee Public after my week of observations. The children would randomly come up to me and introduce themselves, and the teachers are friendly and do a good job at what they do. The school facilities are plentiful and there is a lot of services for special children.

In hindsight it really reflected upon my own growth as well. I had also been a very innocent person up until year 7. From K-6 I was the top of my class, however somehow failing to reach selective school. From year 8 onwards I became rebellious and I lost all my innocence to become a part of the 'cool bunch'. It wasn't until after year 12 that I had woken up that I was not 'cool' at all.

The surroundings that we are put in really molds what type of people we become. If I am put into the hospital surrounded by suffering and death, will I develop a grim personality?

The Fool

2008-04-02T17:19:00.003+10:30

He was a smart individual when young. He excelled in all fields, however something went wrong in his pre-teen years and he prioritized himself before anybody else.

He had no self esteem and his life was filled with mistrust and insecurity. Former friends eventually distanced themselves from him. He had grown up prioritizing money, alienating himself from the bonds he previously had.

Now he cheers himself up by counting the amassed assets he owns. He does not spend the money but holds onto them like his treasures. He barely clings on to society by faking smiles and his life in order to fit in. However he is content, and will remain content until his unattended funeral.

P.S Luckily I do not fit into the story above..but whenever I read it it will always remind me of someone I know. Also I did not get the bitch whore facilitator. This week has been all baby handling.... imagine me feeding babies, burping them, diaper changing and carrying them around!! ( I still don't like children though)

Scarred

2008-03-30T20:58:00.002+10:30

Earlier on this week Andre came on a trek with me to POW hospital. On the way to the main foyer who do you think we happened to see by chance? It was that dumb facilitator who failed me last year when I was at RPAH. What were the chances? Why wasn't she at home looking after her child? When I saw her I instantly remembered all the pain she put me through and gritting my teeth, I held onto Andre's backpack and stopped him from entering the same elevator as her. She saw me but paid no extra attention - perhaps she failed so many students my face was not special enough for her to recognize. I wanted to scream profanities at her but somehow I was able to control myself. I then explained to Andre who she was and it was at that moment it hit me - there is a slight possibility she would be facilitating again.

I don't know if this is hatred or fear that I am experiencing. I thought I would be able to drop the whole issue... but seeing her again renewed my anger and frustration. It seems she has really left a scar in my memories. All I can do now is wish I won't see her ugly rotten face anymore... because if she DOES somehow fail me again, I might be going to prison.

Disgruntled

2008-03-10T23:28:00.003+10:30

I believe that the main issues with the learning experience I am facing derives from two factors.

a) Students make up a large part of my negative experience. I have made many good friends, and so far no enemies. However the general attitude of the students piss me off. Where I come in from a different discipline, many of the students studying this Nursing course are from scientific backgrounds thus giving them a boost in their ease of learning. Many of them have developed a smug attitude and have used their expert powers to manipulate others.This is very very different from my perception of UTS. At UTS, I found that most of the students were stupid, but they were genuinely kind hearted. In contrast, USYD seems to have a lot of intellectuals who have the attitudes of spoilt brats.

b) The poor planning and the unfair amount of workload that the university provides is abysmal. I had a very high expectation of this university prior to entering it and now I can see it is all rubbish talk. This university is horrible, the lecturers are bad, facilities are bad and the students are bad.

It's at times like this that can show which friends you can rely on which ones you cannot, as this is a struggle to succeed the hardships of university. So far none of my close friends have failed me, and neither will I fail them.

P.S- I don't give a shit what others think about us anymore. Immature or not, we will not strive to be one of them, as we are better than they are.

Immature/Mature

2008-03-04T23:17:00.002+10:30

It's been a while since I have posted on the blog. It is a pity, because I do not feel the zeal that I once did when I first started doing this course. I have an early class tomorrow but I really wanted to vent this out so that I could capture this moment.

I may have mentioned in previous blogs that I felt USYD sucking all the joy of learning out of me, but somehow I am able to maintain my genuine interest and drive forward with the only thing that I have got left ; my humor. My secret to learning is to try to make learning fun, to make university an enjoyable experience and a memory that I could look back to when I become a RN in hospitals.

But now, I am seeing the adverse effects of it. I have realised that the atmosphere of the classes have changed since this year. There is a miasma of despair and despondence when I enter the classrooms. Behind every smile is a tired soul wanting to escape, behind every laugh is a cry for freedom. No longer do the students utilise their sense of humor anymore. They have been transformed into zombies who can only think of the next assignment or the next practical test and take no bullshit whatsoever. Gone are the days where we could sit in a classroom and explore the wonders of health technology in glee and fascination. Now lab rooms are rife with worries what the next clinical test will consist of and the consequences of failure.
The genuine smile has become a rare commodity. All that is left is the spreading of cheeks as a friendly gesture.

I however have never taken this approach to learning. But perhaps it is I who needs to change. If taken into comparison, it is me and my friends who look like the idiots of the class. Perhaps they see us as not taking this seriously, with the lives of hundred, if not thousands in our hands. And to back their perspectives up, half of my original friends have failed something and need to repeat it the following year. Are we the ones who are immature and taking a wrong approach to the seriousness of our future occupation?

Today someone told me that she found me and my friend immature because we went to great lengths to go to the same hospital for clinical practice. I personally do not find anything immature or strange to want to go with my friends to the same hospital, but they do have a point. Are we really that fickle and dependent on one another that we have to stick together? But then, what of my own personal wishes to maintain positive memories of enjoying my clinicals with my friends?

Perhaps I should stop acting like a fool and take this seriously. But if I do, how will I cope with the pressure that I usually combat with humor? Will I become zombified permanently when I enter into the workforce? Will my personal goal of achieving positive memories be shattered?

As of right now I am really confused what type of learning attitude I should take. Can I bit a bit more serious but still maintain my humor? No. I believe my humor does not have differing levels for me to tinker with, but is something that I either use or not use.

One thing is for certain though; this is the worst academic experience of my life so far.

Geriatrics

2008-01-15T19:30:00.000+10:30

It's sad that in our society the elderly are losing their respect.
Having worked in the geriatric wards at hospitals, I have seen many
 of the conditions the elderly are put through. Some are lucky and
are visited daily whilst many are outright neglected. The lyrics of
this song has been stuck unto my head ever since I heard it. Perhaps
the most ironic thing is that it came from the Simpsons, in an
episode that depicts the irrelevance of the elderly.It's called
Hello Grampa.


Hello Grampa, my old friend,
Your busy day is at an end.
Your exploits have been sad and boring,
They tell a tale that's worth ignoring.
When you're alone, the words of your story
Will echo down the rest-home hall,
'Cause no one at all,
Can stand the sound
Of Grampa.

Ceasar

2007-12-31T10:02:00.000+10:30

I finished my 6 week clinicals last week. It passed quickly because our facilitators were understanding and the objectives were clear and simple. I feel that I have really progressed and become more competent in every aspect of nursing. However I may need to build up on some IV drip skills as I still lack confidence in doing them.

One of the more notable experiences of the clinicals was getting to see a ceasarian. It was pretty graphic and not exactly what I expected. The woman was locally anesthetized and went through the operation oriented and chatting away, whilst the surgeons were cutting away on her layers of skin, fat and muscles. I got to experience the smell of burnt human flesh as they used the coagulator to dry up all the blood that was coming from the site. The smell was nasty, it reminded me of rotting meat. When it was about time for the baby to come out, the surgeon shoved her hand deep inside the womans body and pulled the head out, then continued to pull it with a clench-like tool. The baby was larger than I expected it would be and I personally felt a bit nauseous because the baby was bluish, covered in blood and did not exactly look human to me.

If ceasarians are supposed to be the more 'simplified' modes of birth giving, I cannot imagine how ugly a normal birth is. I cannot imagine why people only affiliate birth giving as a beautiful thing but bar off all the other stigmas that come with the birth giving e.g all the incontinence, farting, screaming/cussing, pain, tension and fear that comes along with a natural birth.

I'm not saying that babies should not be made or it is an ugly thing, I just don't understand why it has been glorified to the extent that it has. Life is a beautiful thing, but that particular situation is not exactly the prettiest sight in the world.

Yeah I don't like children... bite me.

Broken

2007-11-25T20:31:00.000+10:30

I feel broken right now. Leila left two hours ago and already I am feeling the emptiness is has left in my heart. It will take a while for another hobby/person to fill in this void. I've tried to cope with going back to what I used to do, but video games seem bland and stupid at this very moment compared to bonding with Leila.

Leila is a quiet border collie/german shepherd that is lazy and easy to approach. She craves company as she's still 7 weeks old and is not accustomed to the new environment and the removal from her natural family. Right after any meal it would just yawn and sleep wherever it happened to be. In fact, I was a bit shocked when it grew tired after only 10 minutes of playing since these dogs are meant to be full of energy.

I still remember Friday when she came over. She was whimpering and crying all night - even when she was with our company. As long as we closed the door on her she would cry and howl. That night I kept watch on it all night lest it affected my father from sleeping. It was one of those rare moments where I willingly chose to not sleep for more than 24 hours at a time. Leila would go into her crib, sleep for approximately 30-40 minutes, then pop its head out to check if I was still in the lounge room. She would look at me with those glass eyes and I would shoo her back into her crib. Occasionally it would do its business and I would be cleaning up right after it because my father has a strict hygiene policy.

Saturday it was alot more accustomed to my house and did not whimper unless secluded. However, she started trying to mark its territory around my house and it was a bit annoying to keep an eye on it non stop ( especially with a total of 2 hours sleep). At that moment I felt extremely agitated and frustrated with the dog. I was locked in an ambivilance of loving and hating the dog at the same time. I took it out on a 2 hours walk and tired it out so much all it did was sleep when it got home. At 11pm I accidentally dozed off and I woke up at 5 am to watch after the dog. I saw my mum there in the room with the dog and she said she was up since 1am because the dog was crying again. In the previous 48 hours I have had only 8 hours sleep, however that did not matter because the guilt within me was eating up what strength of will I had left.

Today I walked it again. I really enjoy walking with Leila because its the most evident proof that Leila loves me as well. Due to its extreme dislike of its leash, we risk not using it and it actually follows me wherever I go. Her small size and short legs means that she needs to exert alot more energy to keep up with me walking but it willingly chases up to me. Today I made it suffer a bit by walking even though the dog was clearly exhausted trying to catch up to me. It was whimpering as it ran alongside me and lied on the path whenever it caught up to me to express her weariness. I kept walking nevertheless and she followed. Her loyalty towards me cannot be denied. I got my sister to walk instead of me and it did not follow her, but stayed with me.

Marlo took it back home around 6-30 and I tried really hard to keep my tears inside. I couldn't help myself right after I went back home into the bathroom. Even though I have known Leila for less than a week, I feel like shes already a part of my life. I really miss her right now ; I wouldn't mind not sleeping for another year or so... but alas the dog will eventually grow large and I will be unable to keep it due to my small apartment and lack of backyard. My dad and the dog also clash so it is impossible to keep in the long term either way. However, it was I who told them that I decided to give up on the dog because I know that if I kept it, it will mean everybody sacrifices for my selfishness.

All I have left to remember her are my memories, some photos and a dog bone which I will keep in my room. I really want to hold her right now, and I'm sure that Leila is probably missing me right now.

Duty of Care

2007-11-22T17:00:00.000+10:30

We got our new dog today in the hospital. A nurse snuck it in a bag and walked inside the wards and got us to take it out. The dog was quiet although a little restless. Dogs are not allowed in hospitals. As we walked out with it, it suddenly popped its head out, forcing Marlo and I to push its head back into the bag. However, its head and paws were covered with feces, which resulted in us having handfuls of warm slobbery shit. Apparently 'Leila' shat in the bag and wanted a breathe of fresh air.

We power turbo walked out the hospital - at this point it was impossible to hide Leila's head and it was unhygienic for fecal matter to drip from our hands. We would be in serious trouble if the security cameras were able to identify who we are and took action against us. We stopped halfway towards Marlo's car and washed the poo-filled bag with water, and I tried to wipe the immediate fecal matter from our hands and Leila.

We put Leila back into the bag and we put her into the car. The car smelt like dog shit literally. The dog crept out of the wet bag during the ride and I was forced to hold it onto my lap to prevent it from interfering Marlo from driving. My pants were covered with wet fecal matter and Marlo's car probably needs some professional washing right now.

As we traveled on I wiped the dog gently with tissue whilst keeping her from jumping anywhere. It felt like eternity in that car ride... as friends who have driven me in their cars would/should know; I get car sick pretty easily.

I started to worry when the dog got a bit tachycardic and appeared lethargic. We stopped at a park near my place and the dog couldn't even walk straight. It was dizzy from carsickness. Marlo got it home straight after and got home and changed.

I then sat down on my bed and suddenly the reality of it all came crashing down on me. Owning a dog is a great responsibility. This is not like the other pets which I owned. It's not a Tamagotchi, not a Neopet, not a goldfish. This is a living breathing mammal, entrusted to us by its owner. We only took control of it for 1 hour and chaos erupted. I lost my confidence right after - how can i take care of this beautiful dog if I can't even take care of myself?

Yes, I am scared, but can't back down now. I have to fulfill my responsibility and make sure Leila gets the best a dog can get. This may not be as realistic as having a first born child, but at least now I am able to appreciate the pressure and the responsibility that one goes through when becoming a caretaker.

Dreams Come True

2007-11-19T20:10:00.000+10:30

It's really hard to forecast or predict events that may occur to you. Yesterday I was wishing that I did not have clinicals or having to wake up early, yet today have been full of pleasant suprises. I had rotated to another ward dealing with people with mental problems and so far the patients and the staff are friendly and outgoing.

Time past unexpectedly fast today, even though it was a bit dull in the ward. During the lunch break Marlo and I went to the staff kitchen ( I've been entrusted with the mechanical keys) and we happened to pass a sign offering free puppies. We instantly decided that we will own one and immediately rang the owner of the border collies. I will be looking after it on weekends while Marlo will look after the weekdays.

I can't wait to own a pet dog! It's been my childhood dream to get one ever since I had to move out of my Aunt's place. Due to my destiny as a nurse, I have been given the opportunity to own a collie! I understand that it will eventually grow too large for my unit, but I will be keeping it at my house while it is still puppy size. My parents surprisingly did not mind it... maybe it is because they know that this means alot to me.

We are picking it up on Thursday and quite frankly I can't wait! I love nursing... especially mental health nursing. This has been the most positive career move I have ever made.

Mental Health

2007-11-17T11:41:00.000+10:30

Final exams are finished and I am working in the mental wards at Liverpool hospital. I feel that it is very different from regular acute nursing due to the different pace. I find mental wards a lot more relaxing and fun; in fact I am considering specializing in the mental health field.

It's actually very hard for people to understand mental people. I still do not, however I feel that I understand alot more already. There is often a stigma attached to people with illness problems - whether they are a danger to society, whether they are aggressive, or have limited capacity to make decisions. Truth is, they are just like us, they all have their own story to tell and we are in no position to judge anybody else. Calling anybody a retard or a spastic (even as a joke) is very unacceptable.

Because I am more of a listener rather than a talker, I really feel that mental health nursing is my kind of thing now. However I need to work on how to defuse chaotic situations and improve on my communication abilities.

Euphoric

2007-11-01T12:05:00.000+10:30

Last week we had a clinical exam for some nursing skills. We had to pass a minimum of 2/4 to qualify for a resit and I was lucky enough to do that. I don't blame my poor performance on anything or anybody but myself because I had made a wrong calculation which may have killed a patient in reality.

Yesterday I had my resit and I did really well- even the marker praised me for my vigilance in getting everything perfect. Passing this meant a lot to me because unsatisfactory performance would mean automatically failing the whole course (13 weeks and an essay wasted).

As soon as she told me I passed I was pretty euphoric. I was really scared and nervous and I could not truly study at all because this thing was on the back of my mind all along. Now that this is over and done with, it feels like a heavy burden has been taken off my chest and my concentration is back.

I felt really sorry for those who did not pass it the first and second time. It must be really hard on them right now, especially with 3 more subjects to study for and the fresh reminder of failure could be seen as a bad omen for the up coming tests.

Right after my clinical I held a meeting for a revision session with 3 other peers. We brushed over many things to see what we understood and what we did not and I found it extremely helpful. Although they thanked me for guiding them, I felt it was Jeremy who deserved the credit because he obviously prepared the answers for us to take home and read. All I did was explain the parts which they did not understand.

I have 4 full days to make study hard for the exams. Monday, Wednesday , Thursday and Friday. My girlfriend returns on Tuesday so I will try to pick her up from the airport.

Streak

2007-10-18T19:28:00.000+09:30

My bad luck streak is still going strong. This week we had a clinical practice examination and I had my friend be my partner. While I was not exactly 100% confident I did feel I was prepared enough to do well. We went in and were given case scenarios whereby my friend was to role play as an anxious patient while I was meant to be his counselor.

He was extremely nervous and before I was able to finish introducing myself, he interrupted me and screamed a dialogue. I was forced to skip the introduction and move straight into the therapeutic stuff. Although we both passed, the marker told me I would have gotten a better mark if I was able to introduce myself. Again this was something beyond my control which has lowered my marks. However I do not blame him, because he is a good friend of mine and I'm actually glad we both passed it.

Last night I was angered by a close friend of mine. I rarely lose control of temper but I don't know what went into me to hang up on her. Maybe it was the multiple times I told her I was tired and did not want to chat, or maybe it was the fact that she wanted to prove I was depressed in which I was not- I don't know. All I know was her concern transformed into annoyance and I just wasn't in much of a mood to put up with it. To aggravate me more was her friend in the background which repeated our conversation loud enough for me to notice it. It was wrong of me to hang up on her but I don't think I'm going to initiate the apology. I think I have had enough of people telling me how to live my life or tell me how I feel, as if I am unable to detect my own feelings.

I'm going to pursue things with my own expectations now. I'm not going to live someone else's 'dream' life.

Expectations

2007-10-10T19:57:00.001+09:30

This semester has been one of suffering and torment. There has been a large-scale motivation drought through out our whole campus.

The first batch of essay results have come out and they are not exactly eye candy. For the 5005 essay I managed to achieve 60%. While 60% screams mediocrity, it is actually quite an achievement for me. You see, the overall average was 50%. This means that for everybody who got above the 50% line, someone had to get a mark below the 50% line.
The expectations were unrealistic and it limited me from getting a higher mark to which I fully believe I deserve. I should be grateful that I did not fail but I can not accept the fact that I am unable to get what I truly deserve just because the markers expectations are unrealistic.

The second essay was 500 . There were 4 choices for us to choose from and naturally I chose the easiest topic. Unfortunately, my topic was marked by the hardest marker while all the other markers were a bit trigger happy on giving out D's and HD's. I managed to score a 62%, which is actually pretty high considering its marked by the hard marker. However, I still feel somewhat disadvantaged because it did not reflect how well I did in comparison to the other students and that having her mark my work limited me from achieving higher marks.

Today one of my colleagues rubbed in to me the fact that she got a higher mark than I did (her paper was marked by the trigger-happy teacher). For some reason, instead of being put down, I felt a bit motivated to kick her ass academically.

Perhaps it should dawn upon me getting a distinction is merely a dream that is difficult to achieve. Despite all my effort and time, fate has conspired against me with hard markers and unrealistic expectations set upon by the university.

Initiative

2007-09-23T21:22:00.000+09:30

Thinking back I have decided that I have been a bit of a pussy lately. I have been so self indulged in my troubles and worries that I have isolated myself from the rest of this world.

Everybody has their own problems to which they must overcome by themselves. The only thing I can do now is try my best to get past this stage move forward, instead of steadily drowning in my sea of sorrows.

Praying and wishing for miracles is not something I do. It's better to take initiative and make the changes yourself.

Gone

2007-09-14T10:50:00.000+09:30

I am currently missing out on my tutorial as I am typing this. I don't know what has got into me for me to skip this class.

In fact an hour ago I was heading to university on the train (even though I'll be approximately 20 minutes late). On the way there I rang my friends to take notes for me while I get there; only to find out that he did not plan to go. That crushed my will to go university today. So I did a quick U-turn and got off at whatever station I was at.

I got off the train and I realized it was one of the dumbest mistakes I've made all week. I was stuck at Turrella with a bunch of ethnic boys who were ushered out of a train. They were swearing and having their own mini riot outside the station. I was alone and scared. The next train back to my place was due in 8 minutes and I was the only person in the station other than them. My sense of security was shattered and for the first time in many many years, I felt intimidated. When the train eventually came I rushed onto it. Luckily there were no ticket checkers today because I had not bought a return ticket. Well, I couldn't really buy one since the thugs were sitting near the ticket venders smashing at signs and windows.

So here I am, trying to reflect on what the hell has happened to me. I used to love university. I craved learning new things, especially if I knew nothing of the topic previously. Somehow, sometime between last semester and this semester USYD has managed to beat that enjoyment out of me. Every time I go to university now a little bit inside me dies.

A friend and I were joking that this is more a strength of will than anything. Those who are able to pass this semester are the ones with mental endurance. I laughed and told her that even if we can make it through this one, the next semester will only get harder.

I really need to get my act together. I have never failed in my life and I do not plan to start now. But somehow all the fight in me is gone. I can't sleep because I worry about my studies, but I can't study because I lack sleep. I think I may be entering a period of depression led by acute stress.

I would really appreciate it if people do not lay their burdens on me in my personal time of weakness. But can an aspiring nurse say that? For they are the pillar of hope to those who are reliant on the care of nurses.

Academic Spotlight

2007-09-08T22:23:00.000+09:30

Lately I have been exposed to a lot of unwanted stress. For some reason most of my colleagues see me as smarter than they are and come to me for all sorts of medical advice. All of a sudden everybody seems to know me and enjoy talking to me about academic subjects and what my study methods are.

For example last month we had a campus BBQ and I decided to sit with a bunch of middle aged ladies to catch up. As soon as I sat with them they put me on the spot. They bombarded me with how I study, how to answer the next exam question, and whether I can give them any hints for the finals without giving any thought of asking me how I have been since I have chatted to them! Apparently I've become a walking source of information.

I feel like some public tool to which everybody turns to. On week ago I rang a friend to see how she was doing and she went straight into university work. No discussions or anything of the like.
Two days ago my friends and I were mucking around in the library and this man I hardly know came up to me and begged me to check his work. I did not turn him down because there were heaps of people watching but seriously I felt a bit annoyed.

Previously I was able to log on to MSN and have casual chats with my friends. Since this semester I usually get greeted with panicky girls asking me academic questions and telling me how smart I am. It seems that I have transformed into the fountain of knowledge, or the shaman of knowhow.

The message here is not that I am too good for my friends or that I am superior to them academically, but that all this is giving my unnecessary pressure. In fact, as a reader you probably think I am the sucker by "falling" for their bait and doing work for them. But no, I am doing it out of kindness and because I don't want to see my fellow friends fail just because I did not help them.

In fact, I am not that smart. Heck, there are heaps more better students than I am; and experience wise I am lackluster.

When I get put into this kind of position there is an expectation, or an ego that is placed upon my shoulders. I tell friends I don't understand parts too, but they ask for my opinion anyway. If they do badly with my advice I think fingers will start pointing. But if I don't help then words will start spreading.

I don't need this extra pressure. I am already feeling burnt out by this course. We have no had rest since it has started and quite frankly, I'm starting not to care anymore.

P.S Thanks Rianne for checking my work. you have been the only person to have helped me academically lately.

Seizure Woman

2007-08-28T11:27:00.000+09:30

The next one is seizure woman. She was a friendly middle aged woman suffering from periodic seizures. One day our facilitator told me and my other classmate to go do neurological observations and glascow scales on her. She asked for permission in an orderly fashion and then had us play around with her hands and feet to test her strength.
The facilitator then did a eye response test using the mini torch and told my classmate to do it to the other eye. After she was done the facilitator asked me to do it. At this point the patient told us she was feeling a bit weird in the mouth, but the facilitator discarded it and told me to go on- so I did. Not long after I did my rounds of eye reflexes she started having epileptic seizures.

Immediately the facilitator ordered my classmate to press the red alarm button. She did and a whole medical team came up expecting to resuscitate a person from cardiac arrest or certain death. Of course they felt kinda pranked and the when asked who pressed the button, the facilitator did not fail to point out my classmate did it.

Anyway the one of the doctors stayed to give her therapy and the other nurses were taking her health stats. The patient stopped by now and the facilitator tried to jump in the middle of the working people and generally got in the way. Right after the team had left she told us to continue doing some more, my classmate said she wanted to "go to toilet" and I just walked away.

It was obvious that mm.. MAYBE PERHAPS THE CONSTANT FLICKERING OF LIGHTS INTO HER EYES TRIGGERED THE EPILEPSY?

Damn it, why did she even choose an epileptic seizure patient to be the target anyway when there are healthier patients who wouldn't suffer as much? Why didn't she take the warning signals carefully when the patient told us she did not feel well? Why didn't she tell the doctors that she was the one who suggested to press the rescue alarm? How could anyone worry about those stupid tests we were doing over the health/feelings of the patient? She treated her as more of a machine rather than a human, it was as if the patients feelings/emotions were irrelevant and once she was "repaired" we could go back to testing her out.

NO, BITCH THATS NOT HOW IT WORKS.

I can't believe this is the woman who failed me. If anyone was to fail, it would be her. She failed meet competent humanity and logical levels needed to live in any civilized society. I wish she loses the rights to facilitate and/or nurse because she really needs to find out where priorities lie.

Mr C

2007-08-19T12:20:00.000+09:30

Bed 1 was Mr C. He was a very friendly chap. On the first day of the clinical practice nurses were always gossiping about how annoying he is. The first time I really got to see him was when I was doing his routine obs.

I asked about his conditions daily and we eventually got to become acquainted with one another. The patient had been involved in a car accident and is lucky to be alive. He was aiming to be a professional boxer and had been training himself up to keep in shape - that saved his life from a potential death. He was incredibly funny for a 30-40 year old. Once he told me to get the bottle because he was lazy and a nurse tripped over it because he just left it in the doorway. He was laughing and the nurse was pissed- it was unintentional of course.

He also told me he secretly had a crush on one of the nurses (even though I have been introduced to his girlfriend). He often encouraged nurses to let me try to help him with more advanced stuff like medications and IV machines to help me enhance my skills.

I think Mr C is just misunderstood in the ward. He just has a sense of humor and is not afraid to express it. It's amazing how far a daily greeting can help build nurse-patient rapport.